SUMMERS OVER: HAWAII ON FILM

Over the years I’ve developed a love for film photography. Film shots tell a story and make you feel like you’re stepping back into that moment. Film is a dreamy and nostalgic medium. There’s beauty in the imperfection of each shot. I love that you can’t see how they look until after processing. This forces you to accept the moment and move on. Much of digital/iPhone photography is taking a picture again and again until it looks perfect. Film is real. Film is authentic. Film photography allows you to capture a moment and get back to enjoying real life - without the fixation and obsession of flawlessness. A friend of mine lent me a camera to take with me on this family trip to Hawaii and I finally got them back. Seeing these moments made me feel like I was there again - so today I’m sharing them with you.

This getaway to Hawaii was exactly what I needed. I needed a change of scenery. I needed to be somewhere I had never been before. Phoenix and I needed a break from our everyday routine. The best part about this trip was the length. I loved having almost a full week to just explore and be with family. Traveling with family is special to me because I live hours away from my hometown. This trip was also really special because it was Phoenix’s first time visiting a beach. He’s been asking me all year if we could go to the beach and I finally got to fulfill his requests.

WILDFLOWER RELEASE : SUNDAY - AUGUST 7, 2022

This moment has seemed so far for so long. The beginning stages of Wildflower established itself in January of 2021. Along the way I took breaks, some long - and some short. I mostly wrote in times of reflection, grief, and intense creativity. The first year required introspection and writing from a vulnerable place. The second year (most of 2022) was finding the appropriate way to actualize my writing into a tool others could utilize. Wildflower is very personal and aligned with my growth as I flow through seasons of life. The best part about the process for me is the self healing, and the genuine passion for creating. The brainstorming, the meetings, the merch design, and visuals are all aspects of the process that I truly enjoy. Below are some questions that offer more insight about Wildflower.

How did you decide on the title Wildflower? I began to write Wildflower at a fierce chapter in my life where I intentionally made decisions that were best for me. In this stage, I tried a lot of things for the first time. I made decisions in my life that may be seen as unorthodox or that others may disagree with. Wildflower speaks to the freedom that I called upon my life. Also, my last name is Flowers - so naturally Wildflower felt like the best title.

Who is Wildflower for? Wildflower is for anyone who is seeking a deeper connection with self. Wildflower is a mirror, and a space to explore discussions that are often avoided due to shame.

Why did you start writing Wildflower? I began to write Wildflower because I needed reassurance and inspiration to continue to grow through the inevitable oppositions connected to growth. Underneath doing the surface level “work”, is an opportunity to get even more connected to yourself - and thus everything else.

What chapter is your favorite? My favorite chapter is ‘Living In Your Truth’, because self acceptance is the first step to ascension.

What lessons did you learn in the journey of creating ‘Wildflower’? I learned that nothing is perfect and not to let imperfections stifle me. I learned to move forward with my process, even in fear. I learned that good things take time, and that I can’t do everything on my own.

What is the difference between Wildflower and ‘Ode to 20s’ ? I feel that Ode to 20s is a classic piece of enlightenment and “rite of passage” feeling book. Wildflower is a deeper and more detailed practice of empowerment and strengthening self worth. Ode to 20s is smaller in size and more of a zine style book. Wildflower is sturdy and lengthy. Both books are transparent and written from a loving place.

PHONE CALLS

Lately, Ive been thinking about the tools we use when we’re in distress. I’ve decided that our tools depend on our level of discomfort. Level one upset may mean you just need a nap. Level two upset perhaps a workout can fix things. But when I am really down in the dumps I pick up my phone. When I want to feel grounded, phone calls do the trick every time. I may call my Granny or my Dad, and something about the call brings solace - even if I never spoke of my issue or current obstacles. I think elders can feel grief and know how to reassure others out of this low place.

When I feel emotionally unorganized, a two hour conversation with my best friend brings clarity. The opportunity to get my thoughts out of my head and make sense of them is powerful. Having someone that will listen without judgement and offer perspective is a beautiful way out of self destruction.

I think there’s beauty in someones voice or conversation bringing you peace. I think there’s beauty in feeling better afterward because of them. I’ve been getting calls lately from dear people just checking in and it made me wonder if they were searching for comfort in me. Whether it be conscious or subconscious, speaking with someone who loves you is a very quick healing tool that I urge you to use. This isn’t about dumping your issues on others, but seeking the support that you truly deserve.

Happy Sunday: If You Want To Feel Something

Just sharing this video because it had me in tears this morning while I was baking blueberry muffins! Watching live music videos is one of my favorite past times. How magical is it to see artists perform the songs we love? We create our own stories and feelings around songs, but to see the delivery is special. While I don’t consider myself a Summer Walker fanatic, I really love this specific song. I listen to it often. ‘Session 32’ is a heartbreak classic. I feel that her music is powerful because her writing is so real and written from deep emotion.

Something else I love about her is that when she performs she sings the songs HOW THEY’RE RECORDED which makes it easy to anticipate her next note and sing along. There’s another video I watch of hers all the time where she sings this same song. THIS version is my new favorite and she barely even sings. I began to get teary eyed before she did. Imagine this many people singing and resonating so deeply with something that you created. The same way the crowd is singing her song is the same way I sing it in my car.

Chloe`

Wildflower Talk

Much like most of my work, Wildflower was a long letter to myself. The (me) trying to grow in various ways despite life’s up and downs. Something I’ve learned about others through my writing is that we are all so much alike. We share some of the same fears and triumphs. When writing ‘Wildflower’, I became my own place of refuge and healing. I began to write about all the topics I felt called to address. Somebody has to sacrifice and put it all out there so people can know they aren’t crazy - but human beings. Our experiences connect us all in a profound way. Similarly to my last project, ‘Ode to 20s’, I touched on subjects that are often shunned due to shame.

This project took a lot out of me. There were challenges the entire way. With Wildflower I’ve grown stronger in the way that I handle relationships and conflict. I am less reactive and more accepting. I also am better at digesting bad news and some of my fears becoming reality.

Before Wildflower releases, I do want to offer more information about what it entails. Wildflower is a guide created to bring you closer to yourself. Wildflower is a gentle approach to looking within and making adjustments that bring peace and a life of higher quality. Each chapter of Wildflower is unique in its own way addressing many of the things we avoid or just don’t have the tools to handle.

Table of Contents:

Soul Ascendence & Growth:

Living In Your Truth
Decision Making
Creative Roadblocks
Knowing Your Worth
Flow > Force
Designing Your Life

Inevitable Dark Clouds:

Ending Cycles
Social Awkwardness & Making Friends
On Loss
Approaching Your Fears
On Acne
Low on Money

Mystic Romance & Beyond:
The Cord Cutting Meditation
How A Date Should Feel
Someone Who Really Loves You
Inward Empathy & Coping
Time & Disagreements
Real Love

Childhood & Parenting:
You’re A Good Mother, sis
Nurturing Your Inner Child
On Parents, Biological Parents, Stepparents
For Single Mothers

I will make another post closer to the release date of Wildflower sharing images and more information. Something I want those who support me to know is that I sourced everything for Wildflower. I wrote the entire book, using my life experiences, intuition and education. I hired a graphics designer and an editor. I paid upfront for the production and printing the first set of “Wildflower”. I curated my own marketing and promotion content. I created the shoot and film concepts. I will touch and wrap every book myself - as well as ship each one out to you with my own time and materials. Wildflower is self published. There were no short cuts with this project, and it was created with genuine love. I feel like I’ve waited forever to share this with you all. Patience has been the teacher, and I’ve been the student.

Chloe’

Image by: Jakian Parks

'Afros' by Marc Mayes

I am feeling the reemergence of my former self mixed with the newness of who I am becoming. I lost some characteristics that I really loved about my past self that took work to reacquire. Sometimes, the realities of life can chip away at the most charming elements of our personalities. I’m finding it important to understand that change is good - but not everything has to change. Character building and self growth is rearranging the perfect elements of myself until I feel balanced.

Some new things that have manifested within myself is focus. I used to procrastinate so much, but now I approach things head on. The relationship I have with my intuition is the strongest it’s ever been. My intuition is my guide and my friend. I am less reactive than I used to be. I let people and things shift as they need and I continue on my own wave. I am less hard on myself when I “fail” or don’t meet certain expectations. More grace and patience with human existence brings me comfort. I have evolved into someone who understands that money has to be spent to be made. I accept that my finances ebb and flow - and I no longer allow money to define my contentment in life.

Another thing that has changed is how I seize the moment and CALL OUT joy when I’m experiencing it. Now - when I feel joyful and moved, I acknowledge the feeling and truly savor it. I find it easier to recall happy memories when I am present and genuinely feeling those attached emotions in their entirety. I simply say “I am so happy right now”. This calls power and significance to the moment and gives whoever is with me a suggestive practice of calling out joy.

I have also restructured my relationship with social media - which used to be an obstacle for me. Finding ways to maintain my original thoughts and authenticity on such a superficial platform was DIFFICULT. Now I understand that I can stay true to myself in any entity with self control and real appreciation for knowing myself. This requires standing firm in my personal belief system. I’m also more confident with expressing my beliefs regardless of how I could be perceived by others. I can feel the trueness in some of my favorite influencers, and this brings me peace that others will/can feel it from me.

These images were shot earlier this year with photographer (@thebenchmarc). I love when old projects re-emerge. The Chloe` in these images shot back in April would be so proud of todays July Chloe`.

CRYING IN YOGA

My yoga class this Sunday was taught by a man. Yoga is obviously a female dominated world, but I noticed that I have a much more fulfilling experience with classes led by men. This is a recent observation I made after a class last month. The instructions are much more clear and straight to the point. There’s less use of fancy yoga sanskrit and the class seems to be focused around the physical benefits and how much goodness can be squeezed into an hour. Men also describe what certain positions are doing for certain areas of your body, which allows you to understand things from an athletic or anatomical standpoint.

This class started off pretty normal, but it was intense throughout. I felt challenged, but not in a way of defeat. I had gone on a run earlier that day and needed a good stretch. I should also mention that this is hot yoga, where the temperatures in the room are up to 100 degrees. As the class progressed I became more and more drenched with sweat. Each movement was beautifully built upon the last and the sequence had so much intentional flow. I felt that the entire class received the same energy from the instructor as I had. When I looked around, I noticed that everyone was deep into the movements and dedicated to their individual practice. Commitment was in the air.

Toward the end of the class when we did our final stretches and conscious breathing I was overcome with emotions. These emotions took over me and developed tears within thirty seconds. I was laying on my back in “happy baby” position. Luckily, I could turn my head toward the window and let my tears flow. I was so confused. I didn’t think that I was sad or upset about anything. In the moment, I surrendered to the tears but I didn’t know whether they were from sadness or frustration.

In general, I can be melancholy and pessimistic. I am not afraid to cry and process emotions. In fact, sometimes I cry for a release and as a self care practice. I typically ruminate on what is bothering me and if it is moving enough then I will cry. In this class - the tears were instant. I wondered what was up with me. I was so curious as to why I was suddenly overcome with such strong emotion.

As soon as I got in my car, I googled “crying during yoga” and many articles popped up. Apparently, this happens to people all of the time and is considered normal. I sat in my car and read for about twenty minutes. The articles said that hip opening positions can bring some to tears because as humans thats where we store a lot of stress.

I taught yoga for years and never experienced anything like this. I will be returning to that class every other Sunday, it was cathartic. How often do you cry? Do you cry easily? Should you cry more?

'SUMMERTIME'

I am manifesting many things for my summer. Making the most use of my time is important to me this year. I also feel that I know the value of a real “free” summer now that I have the hang of teaching. Every summer before this one felt like me just catching my breath from the school year ending. This year, things ended peacefully and in a more organized way. I did my grading ahead of time and began to pack my classroom up early so I wouldn’t have to scramble around last minute. I even had a spa day toward the end of the school year as a nice treat to myself. One thing I will say about being an educator is that it gets easier and easier as the years pass. This fall will be my fourth school year!

This summer I hope to have somewhat of a transformation. My excuse for neglecting some of my personal responsibilities is “time” and not having enough of it. Now, I have all the time in the world - so I’m challenging myself to see what I’ll do with it. I hope to teach Phoenix how to write his name and be more hands on with his learning. I always dreamt of the opportunity and energy to homeschool him - and summer really is my chance. I hope to do many activities with him - such as visiting the zoo and taking nature walks together. He turns 5 this summer and he understands so much more about the world.

I also wish to incorporate healthy habits into my life again. I’ve always been relatively healthy - but i want to take things up a notch. I want to be one of those women who look and feel vibrant in their 50s. I know that my habits now will contribute to what my wellness looks like then. Of course I want to look beautiful but more importantly - I want to feel good inside. Staying active and learning more about my body will take the front seat this summer and I’m pretty excited about my evolution. I hope to gain more focus and energy moving into the fall months.

Late summer, I will be releasing something very special to me that has been a work in progress for about a year. I have many emotions surrounding this moment in my life and it is a lot to process on a daily basis. I’ve had to make a lot of important decisions and also be still so that I can hear myself. I have invested a lot of money and time into this project. While I am excited to share it with the world, I also am combating a lot of fear as well (which I think is normal as an artist).

There’s a lot of mental/emotional work to be done. One thing I need to work on is leaving the past in the past. Sometimes, I can be quite reflective of moments that don’t even matter anymore. I still analyze them and try to make sense of them even though these moments are not alive. I think my brain tries to use the past to make sense of the present moment, but life does not work like that. I also need to work on not allowing heavy emotions to effect my productivity.

I am grateful for June/July. This is the time for me to really get my shit together and organize my spirit. I wish everyone got this kind of time to pause and regroup. I won’t let it go to waste. What are some things you look forward to initiating this summer? Please enjoy these pictures of my best friend Lauren and I having a girls day together a couple weeks ago.

MOTHERHOOD

I’m really “in my feelings” as this Mother’s Day approaches because I feel I’ve done the MOST WORK this year. My son is the busiest and the most opinionated he’s ever been. He’s the most expensive, and he also has a life and schedule of his own now. Being celebrated on Mother’s Day is something most moms deserve, but this time around - I know for a fact that I deserve it. I’ve put a lot of work into him and myself between now and last May. As my responsibilities heighten in my own world of parenthood it leads me to more admiration for my mother. My love for her extends each year as I gain more awareness of what it is to be a mom.

At this stage, there is a lot of repetition and creating routines. These boundaries not only hold my son accountable, but myself as well. Lately, I’ve been a little more gentle with us both in regards to skipping a night of story time if the energy isn’t there. This morning we were a little late getting him to school. He was eating his waffles so calmly and he looked at peace. I didn’t want to rush him through his meal or interrupt his moment so I waited. That’s where we are right now - wedged in between structure and his own personal needs.

I really enjoyed this Vogue video with Kehlani because she also speaks to how linear her growth is to her child. I just thought it would be nice to share with you all. Happy Early Mothers Day. <3

THINGS ARE SWEET

Boy, has it been a while since I’ve shared in this space. I was called to write today and express some happiness that I am experiencing. I understand that happiness is not a constant state of being - but a piece of joy here and there. In the past few days people have been showing me love through random acts of kindness. I got a message from a friend who lives very far (Cape Town). She expressed to me that I’ve been on her mind and she asked if we could talk and catch up this weekend. There’s something so sweet about me being on someones mind enough for them to compose a special message, especially when its been a while since we’ve spoken. Its so easy to feel forgotten when you’re in the day to day of your obligations. Sometimes, responsibilities can be so constant that you feel like you’re just blending into everything else that exists.

Last week - The Friday before Valentines Day, one of my students brought me a bag full of small gifts. I thought this was sweet because they could have waited until Monday (Valentine’s Day) - but they were sure to catch me early. This is a student I taught in the past, whom I still share a connection with (like most of my former kids). In the bag was a set of felt tip pens in every color, a journal, some lotion and chapstick. They also got some healthier snacks that I eat and wrote in a card as well. The gifts they selected are only gifts that someone who is paying attention to me could pick. In general, I have really caring students and I am grateful for the memories. This is one I’ll never forget. It lets me know that I am seen, and that the specific things about me matter.

Right before the pandemic, I met a very talented lady who is into all sorts of creative things. She is highly professional and somewhat of an activist for women and black people in general. She reached out to me about a project and I was so flattered that she was fond of my work. Reminders like these always guide me back to myself and show me the ways I impact others. It is so easy to forget your own magic. She told me that my work speaks for itself and then proceeded to praise ‘Ode to 20s’. This made me feel warm inside, and I am thrilled from whatever is born from this alliance.

Theres a coffee shop I frequent in my neighborhood. This coffee shop is so convenient because its close by and in route after I drop my son off at school in the mornings. I usually park out front and wait ten or so minutes until they open. I just sit there and listen to music or check my emails - and then I run in for my latte. I personally see baristas as angels on earth, but the barista who works the morning shift of this shop has lukewarm energy. In general, baristas can be the start to your day. They’re so much more than coffee curators. They have the best stories and conversations, but this barista is different. She isn’t friendly or mean - just an interesting neutral in between.

Anyway, I was sitting out there this morning waiting for them to open. I was actually dancing when a I heard a startling knock on my window - IT WAS THE LUKE WARM BARISTA! I rolled the window down and she handed me my coffee. She explained to me that she saw me come and leave last week. She handed me my vanilla latte with oat milk just the way I like it, for free. This really warmed my heart. The week before when I drove up and saw her - I decided to go to a different coffee shop because that barista is very nice and I hadn’t seen them in a while. I really couldn’t believe that she remembered my order and walked it out to the car. This reminded me to give people chances, chances to show how beautiful their colors are. I really began to give up on this grumpy barista.

This fusion of gestures the universe continues to send is much appreciated. I do a lot of sweet things for others knowing it will come back to me in some form. Life is getting pretty sweet. I’ve taken time away from this blog because I’ve been working hard on my second zine. It is almost ready. I can’t wait. It feels good to write again about nothing and everything. It also feels good to have somewhere to go that I can just ramble but I don’t have to yell - because whoever reads this is reading it because they want to.

Love,

C.

Preserve Your Goodness

I wish it hadn’t taken me so many years to learn how to preserve some of my goodness. I would just sprinkle around my love, wisdom, and efforts. It took deep downloads and several seasons of shadow work to learn my true worth. There’s worth in the way that I show up for other people. I love those around me with tenderness and understanding (sometimes too much). I share my resources and my advice endlessly. I want to be of help, because that’s what inspires me. I aim to add value to whatever situation I’m involved in. Being this way can put you in the predicament of being taken advantage of - emotionally. Being so open to others can turn into rarely being the reciever.

I want to give a reminder to other givers, that it is okay to recieve. It is okay to expect from those you graciously pour into. At the end of the day, and just in human nature - it is natural to prioritize self. Make sure that you are prioritizing yourself just as much as you do others. I don’t think you should give with the intention of receiving, but never forget your worth. Worth is determined by how you identify with your aura and contributions in this lifetime. If you recognize your worth, you have to act like it. Other people can see how much you value yourself when you are walking in your purpose and in true alignment.

Give Yourself Permission To *Pause*

Sometimes the lessons you need to learn cause you to PAUSE. The end of the summer has been a highly reflective moment that requires change. Intentional change. Im learning that when I’m shifting I need solitude, because I can be easily distracted. Socializing, and being open to assisting others distracts me the most. Major growth requires me to be conscious of what I do with every moment of free time.

Things that I’ve learned in the last two months:

• What You Allow Will Continue: In the past I would sit through relationships, situations, and thought patterns that didn’t serve me in order to keep the peace, or to not seem like a “bitch”. This time of reflection has given me the permission to opt out of what is not aligned with my purpose and beliefs. I had to learn how to release guilt from not being as available and susceptible to extrinsic people and energies. I had to accept that as I change, so many other things will too and that’s okay.

• Accept That There Are Only 24 Hours In A Day: As someone who thrives from task completion, it is hard to accept time and how little of it there is. There is so much that I need to do, and want to do - but it can’t always get done. I was placing my worth in my productivity levels, which is totally unfair. I live a demanding lifestyle, and allowing myself to rest or move today’s tasks to tomorrow is okay. Summer allowed me to accept rest and experience rejuvenation unattached to criminalizing myself.

• Be Gentle With Yourself: This one is major. I’ve been pretty hard on myself most of my life. This summer I really learned to ease up. Now it is easy for me to take a day off when I need to. Putting my wellness and DESIRES first has allowed room for fulfillment. Taking it easy on myself also allows me to extend grace to others.

• Looking Good Means Feeling Good: I can’t stress enough how important outer appearance is. Looking good to feel good is not shallow. Confidence, authenticity and consistency (to me) are the keys to life and getting the things you want. How you look is a manifestation to whom you want to become.

• Details Matter: Intention has been a major theme in my life the last two years and it always remains. Details are what makes the mundane things so satisfying. Making sure I have all of my ingredients when I cook allows me to be more grateful for my meals. Making sure my laundry is all clean, so I have more options to choose from when getting ready for work. Giving myself an extra twenty minutes to do my hair matters, so that my confidence can be heightened for the day. Remembering to thank someone with a card, phone call or followup conversation has boosted the morale of the connections I make. All the little details, and things we usually brush off truly matter.

• Check Your Ego: Grappling with my ego is the exhausting part of growth. Exhausting because it is never ending work. Exhausting because you have to dismiss your ego to address your ego. Exhausting because sometimes, my ego acts as my protector. Analyzing the fault I have in situations I am uncomfortable with, and then sourcing solutions that force me to do work IS EXHAUSTING. I’ve done a lot of healing in my lifetime - but not enough ego work. This summer has humbled me and I’m excited for who I become in separation from ego based decisions.

• You Are Not Crazy, The Energy Is Off: In the past I would suppress my feelings in certain relationships and ignore obvious red flags. I would be open to people who didn’t have my best interest at heart, or only wanted to be close with me for personal gain. It’s confusing, because people can take emotional or spiritual advantage of you. They want you around to source abundance, energy and ideas from you - but have nothing to give back. I am cautious about new relationships and even some old ones. “Protect your energy” is a cliche meme quote but also very essential. At this point if the energy feels forced, strained or artificial - I have zero tolerance or involvement for it.

In the end it always comes back to balance. If you are seeking balance I would suggest taking your time. Take a break from your usual and try something different to obtain clarity. Set small goals that are achievable to enhance how you view yourself. Don’t always be so open to oversharing and over socializing. Make sure that the energy you have left over after handling responsibilities is used wisely. For two weeks try to only engage with people who make you feel good about yourself. Try to only wear things that make you feel attractive. Try to eat all the things you truly want and crave. Over time you will see how living life on your terms contributes to your mind, body and spirit.

All images shot by Harmony Jones.

I HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD

Summertime in my family is really busy with birthdays. It seems like a majority of my immediate family have birthdays in June and July. This means we are always celebrating and the weekends are so full at that time. I decided to give Phoenix an experience instead of a party this year.

I was able to find an airbnb, situated on 13 acres, with gorgeous, friendly animals on the property. Phoenix is really into farm animals! From a young age, he has always been curious about cows and horses. Last summer, we took him to a private farm and he was too afraid to enjoy the moment. This year he was all in. As I said in my last post, I really enjoy trips that are nature based. Leisurely living is a real vacation - a chance to clear your mind. We stayed for two days and I could’ve easily stayed two more.

Aside from interacting with the animals and relaxing we did things around the small town. We visited the local grocery store and got some necessities. I enjoy treating myself at local grocery stores. I splurge on things I wouldn’t buy back at home. Like, seven dollar vegan ice cream or a fancy honey for my tea. We also checked out the popular eats, and the local thrift stores for souvenirs to take home.

Phoenix was enthralled by the animals and wanted to be near them all the time. It was pretty amazing to wake up and see horses snacking on grass right outside the window. These animals were not shy and neither was the property dog. It rained hard while we were there which was refreshing. I think trips as gifts are my new thing.

Phoenix’s favorite gift has become a scooter my mom got him! He wants to ride it 24-7. Phoenix’s four year old energy followed pretty quickly after his birthday. His appetite grew, his vocabulary did as well. His friendly and outgoing personality is showing itself more. He is an amazing swimmer and still attending swim classes once a week. He is looking forward to the new school year, and I have been thinking of enrolling him into soccer. He has also been asking for a cat or dog. Plenty of changes to come - but what’s new? Thank you to everyone who sent him warm birthday wishes - we felt them.

New Mexico : Third Time's A Charm

This trip to New Mexico fell on a really special weekend. It shared both Fathers Day and Juneteenth. Troy had been wanting to go to White Sands National Park, and to visit NM during the summer. Our previous visits were both during the colder/winter seasons. I thought a Father’s Day trip would be better than a gift - especially to celebrate summer solstice. Planning nature/road trips is always easier for me, because there’s less pressure to have an eventful itinerary. In these far and desolate towns, there isn’t much to do but relax and unwind. We spent the first day exploring Las Cruces and the second day at White Sands.

Something amazing that comes with nature trips- is that children can really run free and get dirty. Low maintenance and open air vacations seem to have my heart these days. Trips that I don’t need rest from once I get back are ideal. Our airbnb had the most dreamy white adobe structure. I felt like I was in some type of fairytale hobbit house. The airbnb’s in New Mexico are so unique and spiritual feeling. NM is known as “the land of enchantment”, and this energy is present as soon as the mountains appear. I always tell others that New Mexico is my hidden gem. Its quiet, inspiring and in nature.

Creating memories for Phoenix to look back on means the world to me. Recently, at my granny’s house, I came upon this picture of my cousins and I at the Alamo in San Antonio. There was 6 or 7 of us and we were all so young and happy to be there with each other. Being open minded at a young age can come from the literal understanding of how small we are in this very big world. Once we got back from New Mexico, we were reset and ready to take on the summer. Even though we just left, I can’t wait to go back. Have you ever been to New Mexico before?

New York 2021 Nail Ramble

The day before I was to leave for New York, one of my nails broke. I had the perfect set, and loved the color. I had only had this set for about 4 days. I went to the nail shop to have it fixed, and it was good as new. The next morning as I was gathering my things, to soon be headed to the airport. I realized ANOTHER one of my nails was broken. The old me would have sulked, would have been so aggravated. But instead, I grabbed my nail file and chunked it in my carry on. I thought to myself, “Nice try, but I won’t come off my high seat for a nail.” I spent the time in the air - filing all of my nails down to an even length. They looked good. I smiled to myself pretty proud of my maturity and growth. Even with something so small, to move forward without feeling defeated is growth for me.

The perfectionist in the OLD me wants everything to go a certain way. If one little thing got out of place, I would spiral into this frenzy of low vibrational and negative emotions. But I chose not to come off my “high seat.” My high seat is the throne that I mentally imagine in my head. When negative feelings or a decision needs to be made - I do whatever allows me to stay in my high seat. The me who is in my high seat does not get upset by minute things that ultimately do not matter. The me who is in my high seat laughs deeply at inconvenient mishaps that try to ruin my time. The me who is in my high seat is so grateful for life - that it would take something tragic to gain control over my day.

Being a mother, I am very used to having someone by my side all of the time. Someone to eat with, talk with and to take care of. When I am alone for long periods of time, I sort of have to redefine my existence. This trip to New York allowed me to identify myself as an individual. To eat what I wanted and to do what I wanted to do. Having the time to process my thoughts and emotions without considering anyone else was quite restful. Taking that time allowed me to use some of the tools I practice with during shadow work. I am very grateful for the time, and space to have these experiences. My trip was beautiful despite the ‘nail test’ sent by the universe. Here are a couple shots from my trip that I don’t want to forget.

TREAT YOURSELF HOW YOU WANT OTHERS TO TREAT YOU

We often hear the phrase, “treat others how you want to be treated.” Meaning do (or don’t do) unto others as you wish to be done unto you. As a child, this really meant - dont say or do mean things to others, because you wouldn’t want to be handled that way. This was our very premature introduction to taking responsibility for our actions involving other people.

One of my main focuses has been raising awareness in my close relationships and heightening my self worth. I am learning that it is important to treat myself how I want others to treat me. In my last post, I talked about self accountability and changes I can make as an individual to create the connections I want. I talked about how I often would look at what changes others could make to enhance MY life, which is a poor way of thinking. Lately, treating myself how I want others to treat me seems to be the medicine my choices needed. Prior to this shift I was depleted from filling everyone else’s cup before mine. I would run myself ragged trying to prioritize others happiness before my own. I would say yes when I wanted to say no. I would feel guilt about not being available. I was a people pleaser, but also a blamed others for my own unhappiness and lack of appreciation. I learned that in order to be treated like a Queen I’d first have to treat myself like one.

If I don’t value my time, why would others? If I don’t show others the way I like to be nurtured then how would they know? I realized I had to set the tone. I would say this shift happened late January of this year. I began to:

• Take myself on meaningful dates

• Wear beautiful clothing that made me feel good inside

• Get my nails done routinely for pampering and beauty upkeep

• Buy myself fresh flowers every week and a half

• Cook delicious meals for myself

• Plan solo events and travels for myself

• Say yes to things that interest me without thinking myself out of it

• Creating a dream atmosphere for myself at home

• Prioritize my body, mind and spirit

• Read and learn more self help books

• Releasing guilt around buying myself nice things

Doing these things for myself birthed a new me. I had new standards and new perspectives about things. My happiness was no longer dependent on what others did or didn’t do for me. Regardless of outside efforts, I was fulfilled. This created more grace, and appreciation in my relationships. Not only did it take unnecessary responsibility off of those around me - but it also showed others what I was accustomed to. If I choose to only expose myself to greatness, then I can only respond to greatness. Upgrading yourself is upgrading everyone else around you in a way.

In the image above, you will see these beautiful white roses I got myself a couple weeks ago. I was so proud of them and loved the way they looked in my kitchen. There was no second thoughts about buying them on the spot, because I knew I deserved them. I’ve been committed to keeping floral arrangements in my home to remind me of my beauty. Days later, I was given seven dozen roses. I think a lot of it has to do with my new personal standards. I wasn’t given anything I didn’t already have or couldn’t give to myself - but (in my mind) I created the norm. While we all deserve our flowers, we can’t expect anything we wouldn’t give to ourselves. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you. It has to be your efforts first, and then other efforts are just extra. Be responsible for you.

CREATIVE RUTS & AWAITING THE WAVE ~

For a while I lost my desire to create. The static from social media, the pandemic and moving through life had me stifled as an artist. The ideas weren’t flowing, and I was uninterested. There was no extra energy to express any form of art, or share it for that matter. I went through months of feeling like I needed to focus on my ‘real’ life, and what I wanted that to look like. So, I dug deeper into parenting, decorating my home and more intentional shadow work. I thought I was doing shadow work before, but the real work starts with solitude. Sitting with myself really showed me what I (as an individual) needed to work on.

Before, I’d spend too much time thinking about what I wanted/needed or would/wouldn’t tolerate from others. I was only doing a portion of the work. There was a hyperfocus on how OTHERS could better serve me. I needed to visit the ugly parts of myself and address my feelings around that. Blaming external factors for what was lacking in my life was a sad crutch. The truth is that growth is never ending and since growth hurts, there will be continuous pain at various levels. Lately, I’ve realized its okay to experience joy and pain simultaneously, you just have to put pain in the backseat. Allow your range of feelings to be felt intensely.

My desire to get back into projects has returned. I am focused on letting my creativity be what it is. This time around I don’t want to over edit anything. I don’t want my words or pictures to be drained of their authenticity. I want to be a more free creative. I’d like to get back to creating for myself, and just doing what feels good.

For Mothers Day, the boys took me to the museum. This visit really sparked my creativity and gave me that inspiring feeling again. Traveling and art return me to my creative self. This is why I am really looking forward to the summer, so i can dive all the way in. If you are a creative and are waiting for inspiration in these times of capitalism and community pain, be patient with yourself. I took about 6 months off. Release the guilt and the shame that comes along with taking your time.

REFLECTIONS ON JOY & VISITING HOME

Recently, I went home (Houston) and as always I left with a full heart. My appreciation for my family and the memories we make together is endless. Usually, when I go home I only have two full days to visit and explore (it’s rarely enough time). This time I took a four day trip and could fully immerse myself in the moment. My granny turned ‘80’ on Easter sunday and my aunt got married the day before. This trip encapsulated lots of excitement and celebration.

In the midst of celebrating and moving about the city, I also got some me time without Phoenix. One particular morning, I went alone to a cafe and sat quietly eating the most simple but nourishing breakfast. I felt a big wave of contentment. Troy and I drove around and ate at our favorite spots. We got to go out one night and stay in for movies and icecream the other. I got to see my cousins and hit old spots I used to love. Celebrating my aunts wedding was exciting and I enjoyed dressing up. I went with a Reformation dress and couldn’t resist wearing black (even in spring). My granny’s birthday gathering was a hit. I ate good food and felt beautiful the entire weekend. My hair was even on board and looked fluffy each day !

Ever since I got back from the trip, I’ve been committed to maintaining that same joy I experienced. It’s easy to be in a good mood when you’re around family and drinks are constantly flowing. It’s easy to be satisfied with life when you’re in the most adorable airbnb with well coordinated outfits and a list of exciting things to do. I know some of these same sentiments can be carried over into my daily life - with balance of course. I had so much fun that I realized I shouldn’t wait until vacation or trips to live my VERY best life. In some ways, everyday can be vacation or feel like my birthday.

Tapping into my inner Goddess and nurturing myself has been a huge priority since this year began. This revelation about making everyday a vaca has sort of already been birthed in some ways. Now more than ever life seems so short. Everyday should be fully lived and loved. Some small things I’ve began to do to incorporate vacation vibes into my everyday life are as follows:

• Wake up earlier so I can take my time getting ready for the day

• Prioritize my style and physical presentation more

• Eat/Prepare meals in a more delicious and intentional way

• Call/Facetime my friends and family more (for feelings of closeness)

• Make consistent travel plans until it becomes a lifestyle

• Check out more local and nearby shops and spaces

There’s a whole five hours left until ‘bed time’ when I leave work. That time should be filled with the things I love doing - even if it is during the week. Every single day can be exciting in some way. It is not asking too much to want a fruitful and colorful life. We deserve and are entitled to pleasure and our deepest desires.

'HEALING WITH GRACE'

Healing can be ugly, it can be beautiful and many other things. I feel like I’ve been trying to heal myself on a serious level for about ten years. Self salvation transforms every time something major occurs in your life. What once worked - now may not. I used to kick and complain through healing. I would use self doubt, pity and all of the other “blamey” actions that get you nowhere. As toxic and counterproductive as my actions were - they made me feel better in the moment. With time and maturity, I realized I wanted to invite grace into my life around the concept of healing. I believe becoming more graceful was my goal for 2019.

Lately, grace during healing has looked like acceptance. Grace has looked like releasing control. Grace has looked like allowing others to be who and where they are in life. Inviting grace into my own world has given me more peace and range to love. Everything is not a right or wrong - black or white. Once you see people, the world, emotions and situations on a spectrum, ; it allows you to look at the big picture. The big picture is wanting happiness, freedom, serenity. So, a good thing to ask yourself in the midst of decision making is “Am I handling this in the most graceful way?”.

Grace is not being a pushover and allowing people and life to swallow you up. Grace is handling situations in a calm, assertive and informed state of mind. Grace is allowing your best self to manage your life instead of your resentful hyperactive self. Operating from a place of godliness will invite that same energy into your perspective, especially during difficult times.

So always - in the back of my mind ; the question is “Am I handling this with grace?”

LIFE UPDATE & HOW "30" FEELS

I am a few days shy of being 30 for an entire month. To me 30 really is different. It feels like a new era for me to expand and stretch out in. So much shadow work is being done on a daily basis which is the most emotional exhaustion I’ve ever felt. 30 no longer allows me to ignore my feelings, it lunges me right into all of my realities. Days and weeks feel shorter, and I’ve come to realize how short life is in general. To me - the year is already moving fast and I know I need to act on my true desires. I’ve mostly turned inward and began to be selective about most things.

As much intention as I apply on a daily basis, I’ve also been learning to relax a little bit. Most of my twenties I was anxious and worried. Now I’m seeing the health advantages of acceptance and true relaxation. The more I do what’s best for me, the more relaxed I become. The more I vocalize what I will and won’t accept- the more relaxed I can truly be. Moving into my new apartment right before my birthday is really where most of my work has presented itself. I always say this but there is so much healing in moving. What I’ve enjoyed the most about moving is providing Phoenix with his own room. This is a big deal for me as a mother, because we only want what’s best for our children. Being able to give him that brings me an immense amount of joy.

Purchasing new furniture for the first time has been fun and expensive. I usually take furniture from my mother or buy a lot of second hand. This time around, I am making ADULT purchases with furniture I may have for a lifetime. I’ve been making investment decisions left and right in regards to my home and my life. In my early 20s I lived month to month. Late twenties felt like season to season. Now I am living year to year. I am already thinking about next year and what that looks like for my family and I. I understand the importance of security and good decision making NOW more than ever. See the chart below that really fascinated and inspired me to pick a side and stay there regarding my values by @innermade.

I experienced a major creative burnout closer to the last sell out of ‘Ode to 20s’. The project taught me so much about myself and life. I met and spoke with so many beautiful people about the content and revelations. I learned what it meant to be an entrepreneur and have responsibilities with shipping and packaging. A whole new mindset came with this experience. As I am finally coming around to having some creative spurts, I am learning to take it slow. While success feels confirming and righteous - I also know the importance of taking a break and returning when it feels right. Selling out of my zine three times showed me that I can do anything I put my mind to.

I have been splurging on myself all year, and not feeling guilty for it. This is something I had to learn how to do. I’ve always had guilt attached to self indulgence, but that has ALMOST diminished completely. I hate that I went so long feeling badly for giving myself things I deserved (and earned), but those days are long gone. For my birthday, I straightened my hair for the first time in ten years ! It was a nice experience and while I feel more attractive with my curly hair - I will continue to try new things and be a little more spontaneous with my tresses. At the moment, I am all about my skincare, and getting my body to an ideal space. My inner/outer appearance has become more of a priority than it has been in the past. It’s a fun and exciting place to be right now in vanity world.

I’ve been journaling a whole lot. I try to write a full page at least 5 days out of the week. Reading has also re-entered my life now that I have more of a calm routine. I am very much into self help books still. I’m getting back into my podcasts, and yoga. Surprisingly I’ve been drinking A TON of tea instead of my usual coffee. My favorite is earl grey with oatmilk and way too much honey. I recently reached my goal of slimming down a bit since quarantine season began. Eating clean and drinking plenty water has allowed me to reach my goal. I am still trying to curve my sugar intake - which has always been my biggest challenge health wise. There is no definition to my diet. Some days I eat vegan meals, other days I may have fish or meat. My main focus is to eat as clean as possible and steer clear from food with no benefit.

Investing in Phoenix has been fun, he’s taking swim classes once a week. I can’t wait until I can see some results. I intend to help him try everything to see what his interests are. Parenting has me really busy but keeps me on point. I find little pockets to read and introduce self care into our routine. Again - intention. The theme right now is to “hurry up and take my time”. To me this means to find balance in between work and play. Balance between moving pretty quickly and slowing down. There can always be happiness, as long as there is balance.

Relationships have also been in the front seat. I have been navigating and analyzing the relationships dearest to me. I think I have the prominent beings around me that will be here for a lifetime. This season is all about strengthening and nurturing the connections I’ve been blessed with. I am constantly assessing how I can better serve these relationships, and what I need from them. Nothing matters more to me than my loved ones. Creating memories, spending time and sharing resources and energy is everything right now. On the flip side, a challenging portion of this section is creating boundaries and maintaining them.

Although i’ve taken a big break from writing on LADYFOX, you can still find consistent work from me on alltheprettybirds. This is where all of my wellness and lifestyle pieces are. Thank you for welcoming me back and allowing me to be open in this space. Some things I am looking forward to, is warm weather. I am excited to travel a bit - without a massive fear of pandemic stress. Although this virus is still very real, I think we as a people have learned how to navigate it and have evolved past fear based living. I am looking forward to continuing to grow and choosing myself throughout the year.

What have you guys been up to ?