CONTROLLING MY INNER DIALOGUE

West Palm Beach, FL / October 2023

An unfortunate thing about existing as a hyper aware human is the never ending brain whispers about life and it’s complexities. As I mature, I understand more the thin line between ambition and development obsession. I tend to be more on the compulsive side and I am actively trying to tone down my cognitive ventures. The issue with too much inner dialogue is that it prevents you from being present and it also leaks joy out of amazing moments. In my chase to ultimate comfort and what some may call perfection - I go into reflective spaces looking for solutions to what I see as problems. I get pensive about my future and ways to get closer to my desires. Knowing that my brain is my most powerful tool, I understand how over-analyzation effects the way I process all things - whether significant or minor.

Once you learn how to conquer your mind, you can be more at peace. Avoiding hyper stimulating situations isn’t enough so I am finding ways to nurture cerebral balance. Introspection works well for me in moments that require high concept generation, but it’s hard to turn it off. Some ways I work to combat my own intellect is incorporating more music into my day - so that I’m not veering off and thinking about being more constructive. An exercise that I’m implementing is accepting imperfections and letting them sit for long periods of time. For instance, if my floors need to be cleaned or if I wasn’t able to complete a task - I just leave it there for awhile. The truth is that whether I fix it now or 10 hours later - it’s all the same. Nothing really matters. That’s what I learned when I began to just leave everything exactly where it is.

I’ve been able to apply that same theory to bigger ideas in my life. Something will always fall short. Every glitch does not require immediate attention. There is no way to constantly keep everything floating in the air all the time. Letting shit hit the ground and not caring is the answer, sometimes. I aim to be more easygoing and let go of things that CAN be controlled. I often hear about “letting go of the things you can’t control” but I think its valuable to let go of some of the things you can control as well. There is so much that can be governed. Right now, I am working on loosening my grip and letting things flow. Understanding what needs thoughtful approach and what does not. Life does not always have to be a jigsaw puzzle, it’s okay to just live.

Self-improvement is beautiful and prohibits stagnancy. However, I want to enjoy myself without critique. Yes, this is a post of me thinking about how to think less. I’ve been seeing funny posts about being the “first daughter” and the personality that comes with that. It’s so true! I am a first and only daughter. I’ve always been Type A. I hope to see more of my easy going side. I also hope to come in contact with the things and people in life that awaken a more carefree version of me.

PRESERVE BLACK RECREATION CENTERS

I recently conducted an interview and essay alongside The Oklahoma Cowboys discussing how rec centers are beloved spaces in urban areas. As an educator at an urban inner city school, I realize the necessity for FREE safe grounds that can be occupied by youth. We felt called to share the story of the adored “Minnis Lakeview” and the complications the community has faced. Continue ahead to learn more about shifts that the Far East side will implement in the following months.

MASTERS DEGREE REFLECTIONS

For the last year and a half - school has been a major part of my life in conjunction with my habitual obligations. My mental output has gone from two hundred percent to seventy five percent in a tiny window of time! It’s been amusing to sit and relax for more than half an hour without experiencing the guilt of needing to do something. Sometimes I’ll just sit down and drink a glass of water or gaze around my room and think, “Wow! This is what regular life feels like.” This level of stillness feels larger than me. I recently realized that I’ve been in subconscious contemplation about what should take up this empty space. Consciously, I’m in a tranquil state and excelling at my routine with more intention than before. Doing ordinary things without rushing is harmonious in ways I look forward to further experiencing.

The distress that grad school inflicts onto your life is inconceivable. There’s always a deadline lurking around the corner. There’s always an assignment waiting for you after the one you just completed. Waiting for a grade and checking for it everyday feels like you’re holding your breath. There were many discussion posts and essays I typed drowsily after a long work day. I look back on memories of my son climbing into my desk chair asking me to make him a bowl of cereal. Now that it’s over - I truly have no idea how I did it. I am amazed at my ability to operate at such high levels of multitasking to get this done. Being in grad school, while being a high school teacher, while also mothering a first grader has been the most strenuous chapter of my entire adult life. I would even go as far to compare it to the same level of sleep deprivation I had when my son was born. Doing one thing at a time is my idea of luxury.

I will say that I grew a lot in this span of time. I complain less and look to solutions and completion first. My time management is superb. I only do things that I really love with my free time. One thing I told myself when I started was that I would still make an effort to travel and do things I love while being in school - and I did. I took my computer everywhere. I was at the airport doing work. At work doing work. At my mom’s house doing work. My time in school is not just a grey hazy patch. It’s a point of time where I was persistent in both exploration and concentration. I hold many beautiful memories from this chapter which shows me how balanced I can be.

I have been writing a lot and it feels good to return to my first love. I always say that when you’re a writer - you have to go away for some time and experience new things. I have more to share than I did two years ago. I look forward to the ways that my creativity externalizes itself. My brain is more efficient and my heart feels clear and satisfied. Teaching is more enjoyable because I am more knowledgable. Life is more enjoyable because I am more knowledgable. If you are considering going back to school and attempting a higher education - I would encourage you to choose something you really care about. In my most difficult and confronting times, my personal/professional desires are what propelled me forward.

AN HONEST 50 QUESTION INTERVIEW WITH MY GRANDMOTHER

What is your name and age?

Joyce Watson Brown and I am 83

How many children did you birth?

Seven (Four Daughters, Three Sons)

What year were you born?

1941 – a lifetime ago.

How many grandchildren do you have?

(12) Tasha, Joshua, Jeremey, Kortne, Jacob, Chloe`, Two, Milan, Sadie, Myhaa, Yulasha, Bryce <3

How many great-grandchildren do you have?

(10) Jayden, Jordan, Josh, Baylor, Brooklyn, Camari, Kylie, Kannon, Phoenix, Sara’Myhaa

In the photos I’m sharing with this interview – you are surrounded by your grandchildren of various ages. You appear to be genuinely filled with contentment. What are your thoughts on the implication that children are “stressful”? How did you source joy amid your responsibilities as a mother/grandmother?

I missed out on raising my three eldest children. I swore that the rest of them I would enjoy – nurture them and be happy with them. As long as they obey.

Another thing to note about the images is that all the children look happy. Happy black children is one of the most beautiful things to me. Their laughter and the visual aspect of them seeming comfortable feels warm. What is the key to the satisfaction of children?

Loving them. Showing love. Nobody can have enough love. There’s no such thing as too much love! I made sure that I held them and kissed them and put them on my lap. Even though I knew my parents loved me I didn’t come from a house where love was demonstrated.

What is something you inherited from your mother that you see in yourself, your daughters, granddaughters and great granddaughters?

All of them are loving human beings.

How does it feel to have created all the people who surround you in one room?

I am grateful. I’m thankful and I’m proud. I have a love for y’all that is beyond your comprehension. Maybe one day you’ll understand when you’re a grandmother.

I have watched you read and write. There have always been stacks of novels on your nightstands. Lists on the back of mail and receipts. You’ve written me beautiful birthday letters. I’d watch you complete crosswords in the newspaper growing up. Explain your relationship with literature and script.

Reading opens whole new worlds to you. Reading combats loneliness. Reading helps if you’re stressed. I must have lists and keep up with what’s going on. If you’re talking to someone in your family – when they mention something you want to remember you can reference it later if you write it down. It’s a way for me to keep up and express myself.

Did you have siblings?

Two older brothers. Two younger brothers. I had two sisters when I was a teenager, getting ready to leave home almost.

What is your grandmother’s name? What did you call her ...? How was she?

My grandmother’s name was Edna Mae Varner. She was .. really ahead of her time. She left Louisiana when my mother and her sister were teenagers. Why she left her husband behind I don’t know. But she moved to San Diego with her two girls. I called her Granny.

What city and state were you born in?

I was born and raised in Houston Texas.

How would you describe your ethnicity? You have the fairest skin of us all.

My grandmother was white passing. She may have been mixed. It’s something that wasn’t discussed. Back when I was a child, you didn’t discuss those kinds of things. We weren’t allowed to ask questions. I wasn’t granted that privilege. Your generation is very lucky to be able to ask questions.

What is your fondest memory?

The earliest memory I have .. is .. I loved Christmas. I thought tire tracks on the driveway was from Santa’s sleigh. My two older brothers – those dirty dogs they said “That ain’t no sleigh. That’s tire tracks!” They showed me the presents in the closet. They were ruthless! Even then – I was very kind. My parents had no idea that I knew there wasn’t a Santa.

Is Christmas your favorite holiday?

My birthday is my favorite holiday! That’s how self-consumed I am (laughs) !! Christmas has evolved for me. When my children were young, I enjoyed buying them things and seeing them open it. Now Christmas is different. My great and grandkids’ parents buy them everything! They don’t wait until Christmas to get what they want. It’s Christmas every time they open their eyes.

What three words would you use to describe your mother?

Strict, Good Cook, she loved dressing me up – buying me clothes and taking me to shop.

and same for your father?

Kind, Quiet, I was the apple of my daddy’s eye (loving warm tone).

What did you aspire to become as a little girl. Who were you influenced by?

I never had any notion of what I wanted to be. All I knew is I just wanted to be grown. My sense of independence came from my grandmother. I admired her for striking out on her own. My mother was a stay-at-home mom. She never had a job a day in her life. Women with children going out working was frowned upon. My mother is from Louisiana and my father was from East Texas. In that era, that reflected a man. If you weren’t a professional ... a nurse or a teacher or some other professional type of woman – you stayed home.

You were/are a very stylish person. What are three pieces of clothing that were most valuable to you throughout your life? What were your favorite brands throughout life? What textures called to you? My love for gold, leather and denim come from you.

Yes. I love all three. I wasn’t confined to brands. My eyes told me. I guess it was within me. Even before I could afford nice things – I recognized nice things. I knew a leather purse from a pleather purse. I would save until I could get a nice pair of shoes. I’d get pairs that could serve many different occasions. I had a fondness for sling backs. Sling backs was my thang. I was a hope to die dresser. I had some green snakeskin boots from Neiman’s – they were showstoppers. I love color.

There are a lot of words I could use to describe you. Independent is one of them. How did you master the art of providing and making it look graceful in the process?

Necessity. As I got more education... my job was a sense of pride. I had a great sense of pride when I went to nursing school. Because I knew I could be financially independent and that put a new step in my walk.

A piece of advice you’ve given me that I return to often is... “never respond or react to something too soon.” Where does this derive from?

Past experiences where I spoke when I should have kept my mouth closed. Let some things be a surprise! If you talk ahead of whatever action you’re planning – people can plan around you. It’s like that saying, “Never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.”

Regarding love and romance – what advice would you give to your 20- or 30-year-old self?

Love yourself. That entails: if you learn to love yourself, you don’t need anybody else to validate you. I’d also say love should not depend on looks.

What are qualities you would go back and tell yourself to look for in a partner if you could (in retrospect)?

You look for sincerity, someone who compliments you and if they contrast you – then make sure it’s in a harmonious way. Remember, everybody is not lucky enough to have a lasting love.

What is the best thing about men and what are the worst things about men?

The best thing about men is their ability to make you feel cared for. On so many different levels. The worst thing about men is the men that don’t want to be fathers but are fathers. When they don’t accept that role and carry it through as they should.

What are your thoughts on hoe phases? Do you know what a hoe phase is? Explain your views on sex

I had one of those seasons and I enjoyed it!! (we laughed hysterically). I loved doing just what I wanted to do. Everybody wont admit that (another deep laugh). People want to pretend that they’re so pure. My thing was – if the men can do it – I can too!

What do you have to say about the stigma and negativity of being a single mother? A “baby mama” as people call it.

I never felt any stigma. I never was ashamed that I had children and didn’t have a husband. I was proud of all my children and loved my children. I see now that some of it was foolishness (laughs). My kids had more than some of the kids who had both parents living with them. They had more and they did more. You must have a certain mindset… It was never a concern to me. I had a rough time in parts of my life... But - I really didn’t give a fuck about that. That was the least of my worries.

What is a piece of advice you would give to a single mother?

At all costs. Get you some education or some training so you can get a job that can take care of you and your little family. In a style that regular people do. You can’t buy them a father, but you can give them nice clothes, nice education. So that they can live their life in comfort... Just because they don’t have a father in the house doesn’t mean they have to go around eating inferior food. I always wanted my children to have the very best that I could give them. Don’t live your life with regrets. If you’re so inclined – keep the door open for a good man if that’s what you’re interested in. Don’t say no to love.

“Whether you’re with Sunny or not have something of your own.” This was my sister-in-law telling me something about her brother. That’s women looking after women.

I remember The Isley Brothers and Johnny Taylor playing often. Music and the large speakers along the wall of the living room – music felt like an integral part of my upbringing in your house. If you can – could you share your 3 favorite songs of all time?

Johnny Taylor (loving tone) everything he opens his mouth to sing! The Isleys – Summer Breeze was my favorite. That was romance because Jasmines are one of my favorite flowers. I used to have them growing outside of my bedroom windows. In Louisiana they’d have Jasmine’s growing outside their homes. We’d sit on the porch...(nostalgic warm tone). Groove With You and Who’s That Lady. That was how you clean the house. Johnny Taylor “Just Because” .. “Last Two Dollars”.. “Disco Lady”… “You’re Getting Careless With Our Love”.

What is the key difference between having a son and a daughter?

Daughters are a source of comfort. Daughters, you want them to have the very best out of life. You want to be financially independent. You want them to be wise in picking a mate and be well groomed. Enjoying nice things and enjoying wearing beautiful clothes and accessories. A boy is so many things. A boy is that one something that can make you feel more special than any girl every could. I sound facetious but that’s the truth. Boys.. men.. that’s what everybody’s interested in!

What are your views on marriage? Have you ever been married?

I’ve been married several times. If you get somebody – it doesn’t have to be a burning love. If you find somebody you can get along with and communicate with. If you can be respectful of each other .. you’ll be fine. But if there’s some kind of strife. It’s not worth it. If you’re not evenly yoked. There’s no point.

You’re an amazing cook – and an amazing baker. Where did your love for cooking come from? What dish do you make best? Who taught you to make tea and why was this a staple over Kool Aid like some black households?

As I grew to understand the nuance of Kool-Aid I couldn’t do it anymore. At home we only had iced tea in the summertime. It was one of the most refreshing drinks! Over the years, I’ve perfected it. With cooking – as time evolves and you continue to cook, you change the way you make things. My best dish is beef roast with potatoes and carrots. My love for cooking came from me liking to eat. I’m greedy and I like food that tastes good. My mother was an excellent cook.

Why is Crown Royal your favorite spirit to drink?

It is smooth. The smoothest whiskey I have tasted. When I was younger, I would go out, I’d drink Cutty Sark because I thought it “impressed” people. I like crown though because of the smoothness. Crown Reserve is really mellow – no bite to it. I don’t like drinks that are real sugary. That’s why I like crown and seven.

Do you have any regrets that you feel comfortable sharing? How would you rectify those regrets if you could?

The only regret I have is getting pregnant so young. I was sixteen. Other than that – I don’t have any regrets. I love the life I lived. I just truly enjoyed myself. I embraced life with both arms.

What advice can you share about health and its connection to a prosperous life?

Never smoke. Never take up the habit of smoking. Cigarettes are detrimental to your health. Drink in moderation. Eat in moderation. Have a healthy diet. If you make a habit and a lifestyle of health you don’t have to fall behind.

What are your favorite memories of being in love?

I think my favorite memory mostly was falling in love rather than being in love. It’s an exhilarating feeling. It seems like anything is possible. You just imagine yourself being happy and sustaining this feeling. And then you wake up to reality (we laughed together)

What were your terms and conditions on the acceptance of love and trust of a man to help you?

I would accept help but if you began to act like you owned me. (smacks lips) “You and your money can go.” I accepted help because I needed it. It all goes back to education. It’s much easier to love when you can take care of yourself.

Who was the easiest child for you to raise? Who was the most difficult?

Kim was my easiest child to raise. Karen was my most difficult. Well …let me think. When all is said and done yes. Kim was the easiest and Karen was the hardest.

What are your dreams like in your eighties?

I have the strangest dream. And frequently. I don’t know where I’m coming from. But in this dream, I always get lost. I’m walking down the street – it seems familiar and then suddenly its not familiar anymore. I’m in a maze trying to figure out where to go. I haven’t had it in a long time – but that was my dream for a while. It was in a business-like place. Maybe the medical center. Or downtown. We shopped downtown when I was a kid. This was before they had malls. In the dream, I’m always in a business like place. I always get lost. (At this time I googled dream symbols for her and read a few that may help her analyze her reoccurring dream).

What are some of the major changes that you find peculiar or interesting as you’ve witnessed life from the 70s to now – 2024.

Technology. I consider myself a smart person but I have not been able to master technology.

What is your favorite thing about being a black woman?

I think my hair. Its just the truth! (We laughed together)

How did your poorest days compare to your richest days?

I appreciated and treasured more in my poorer days. Once you can have everything you want, it doesn’t hold the thrill.

What financial advice can you offer?

Save. Learn to save. Don’t shop so much and get you some good insurance and save. Really honestly. Get you some good insurance. You’ll need it later.

What are some character flaws you wished you could have addressed sooner?

My fondness for profanity (cracks herself up). My love of unhealthy food. Get the insurance with the duck! It does everything. (I have no idea what the insurance with the duck is but she was adamant about that so I’m keeping it in the interview.)

You instilled confidence in all of us. What are your thoughts on the anatomy of a woman and ways it should be appreciated.

Be thankful for whatever it is that you have. Because beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Some men don’t want a tall or short woman. Some men like curvy women. Somebody is going to love what you got! BUT when all of that fades away .. you still gotta love yourself.

What was I like as a little girl from what you can remember? Use three words to describe age 3 to 10 Chloe`?

Hair Hair Hair. More darn hair. SASSY!!!! (she tells a story about how it took multiple people to comb my hair in one sitting)

What three words would you use to describe me now?

Confident .. Intelligent and a GOOD MOTHER.

What makes a “good life”?

Being surrounded by a loving family.

What did you love about being a nurse?

I enjoyed being a pediatric nurse more than any nursing I did. Because I felt like I was making a difference in somebody’s life.

Do you fear death?

No, I do not fear death (undoubting tone). Because I have an abiding faith in God. We all need to have something we believe in. I would rather have lived my life believing in God and finding out there isn’t one than not. Its important to have something you can believe in.

MY MAMA'S MAMA

My granny is someone who I see as my reflection in many ways. My decision to interview her comes from understanding the importance of preserving her unique contribution to the physical realm. I’ve watched her very closely since I was a little girl and now (as a woman) I am still blown away by her existence. Everyone loves their grandmother – but mine is just different. She’s badass. My granny is an extremely intelligent, unapologetic and resourceful woman. When I think of her, I think of someone who is indestructible. She reminds me of a blazing fire that takes the services to distinguish and births fear into the neighbors of the land. I know that my ferocity comes from her.

My grandmother has a way of turning tragedy into a miracle with poise and acceptance. There are so many stories I don’t know about her life and realities – yet her disposition tells all. My granny takes no shit. She was/is serious about her self-sustenance, her family, her home, her career and her pleasure. She is serious about God and living a life of quality.

 My fondest memories are taking baths in her bathroom – which felt much like a spa. She always had soaps, potions, sprays and fancy loofahs all around. Her bathroom is still this way. Her closet filled with the fanciest shoes, purses and dresses. Something I find interesting now – as an adult is the fact that she wasn’t stingy about any of these things. She shared the luxury of her life with us. Usually, kids are forbidden to play with or look at the “nice things”. My granny had an abundance of valuables, and I was allowed to inspect them all very closely. We gathered often. I can close my eyes and hear my mother cackling with her sisters as my granny had pots on the stove and a beverage in her hand. She makes everything gratifying and she gives everything life. Her abundance goes further than inanimate objects.

 My granny’s house was the headquarters for my family. I always felt safe and included. Her bedroom door was never closed, and she welcomed us sleeping with her – one of us or all of us. I had the pleasure of being raised around handfuls of cousins. We were all celebrated regardless of how old we were or what we looked like. She truly just made everything better with what seemed like minimal effort. I remember the way she considered and held space for everyone’s story and everyone’s tears. She’s an indulgent woman. She filled her own cup to the point of it running over. It always seemed like she had a lot to give everyone else and I (now) see how. I practice this same thing as I raise my son. I give myself the best – so that I can give him the best.  

Although my granny was generous and relaxed, she had high expectations. There were rules. You had to be respectful. We cleaned. We cleaned a lot. She believed in a tidy space. I remember being small enough to crawl under the coffee table with Windex and clean the bottom glass of the table. She examined after we cleaned and if she wasn’t impressed, she would promptly let us know. We were expected to play our part. She was so joyful when happy and then quickly a witch at a time of disapproval. Her range as a human astounded me then and now. My understanding of family is rich because of the conduction of her sanctuary.

 I don’t remember ever having a “grandpa” at my granny’s house. She was a black single mother and grandmother who didn’t seem to miss a beat. She worked HARD as a nurse and remains a point of contact when somebody is ill – her remedies cure. Her advice always works and saves you time in the ER. Male influences consisted of my cousins and uncles. She was loved and uplifted by the men in our family which allowed me to observe “masculine” care outside of a romantic gaze. She gained the love and respect from men who she inevitably inherited through her daughters as grandsons, son in laws, boyfriends or family friends. My granny was the type of person to take in and take care of people who were “in-between situations”. She’s one of those granny’s whose door is always open. People come stay at her house until they “get on their feet”. My granny will relieve you of shame in a situation where you were wrong and give you advice on overcoming. Her generosity is endless in that way.

She was and still is the queen. Although she is 83, she has the spirit of a 26-year-old woman. She is humorous and lively. She is unphased and ever evolving. When I read “Women Who Ran with Wolves” she is who I think of because of the way she creates her own narrative. She drank and she smoked. She danced and she laughed. She’s good at so many things and she doesn’t wait on anybody to compliment her. The confidence in the women on my mother’s side flows deeply because of her influence. I was complimented and affirmed by my cousins and aunts. There was no envy. Divine femininity was high.

She continues to show me what it looks like to be a multifaceted woman. Because of her I know that I can be soft and hardworking. I know that I can be desirable and professional. She has displayed how to balance both masculine and feminine energies. She is an open book so that we can learn from mistakes she’s made. She’s been an example of how to listen to my intuition and sort the genuine from the fraudulent. She has shown us the result of hard work which is creating the life you desire. Most importantly – she has given me a mother who is awe inspiring which drives me each day. To know that each generation should grab the baton and improve gives me the motivation to be all that I can in this lifetime.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA

After deep reflection of what feels like a lifetime - I finally have a grip on the language that vocalizes my outlook. For me, social media has always been a complex space. Mostly because I was born in an era that existed without it. In my formative years, there was a more sacred feeling around expression and personal growth. Social media is an outward channel that has challenged my reserved essence. People having common reservation in the past ( 99’s and 2000’s) held a tenderness among simple pleasures. Back then, self satisfaction was enough - where now public validation has actualized. However, I can easily see how being born into this construct makes it easier to accept and participate.

I fondly remember what it was like when we all were more unique. People were more colorful and comfortable with their quirks. This was a time when you weren’t aware of what other people were doing. You were left to produce your own entertainment and had time to develop your interests. Meeting humans was a treat because they felt genuine and accurate in their persona. Now it seems much easier to categorize people by their “titles” and whatever they wish to be categorized by. There was a time where you could just exist as whoever you were that day.

Growth for me as a pre-teen was intuitive. When I wasn’t at school I spent a lot of time writing. I would listen to songs and write down the lyrics. Then I would read the lyrics over and over until I knew the words to the songs. I found so much delight in understanding the meanings of things and being able sing along without looking at the paper. I also would get so excited to spend time with my cousins or to go to the movies with friends. Access to other people was limited, therefore relationships were valued so much more. Missing someone was a true longing because maybe they weren’t home when you called their ‘house phone’. Being outside and playing until you’re bored - and finding ways to survive boredom FORCED your natural talents to reveal themselves through exploration. NATURAL EXPLORATION. An exploration that you have to be bored to find. I feel that we just aren’t bored enough anymore. The desire to separate yourself from dullness hit so different back then. I guess I just wish people had more time to develop before they have heightened awareness of other peoples way of life. When you’re flushed with all of this “inspo” you get far away from yourself.

I find pros and cons within the realm of social media. Let’s start with some of my not so great thoughts. I think social media is a breeding grounds for mental illness. I think that it is the King of capitalism. I feel that social media resists individuality and creates a “guide” for what humans feel they should be. I think social media forces people to download high amounts of unnecessary information causing overwhelm and anxiety. I also feel that social media hosts addiction and a false sense of power. I think that social media is a distraction from all the beautiful tiny details that life offers. Social media has become the in-between of responsibilities and tasks - where the in-between used to be reflection and mental creative play. I think that social media has tampered with our flow of conversation and normal human interaction.

In the same breath, I think that social media is a place to express yourself and empower others. I feel that social media allows humans to be heard without being seen. I see how social media has created lucrative income and has freed many from poverty, emergencies and working for companies that never valued them. I love that. Another thing I appreciate about social media - is the opportunity to connect with like minded folks who may be on the other side of the world. The ability to discover new layers of the arts has been endless through content creation and the skill sharing. Social media has become a space where citizens can share the unfiltered realities of injustice which is informative and necessary.

I find it crucial to personalize your association with social media - depending on your mental capacity and level of self awareness. At this point in my life - I have a very specific treatment when it comes to social media and I want to share it for some people who may be analyzing their own attachments with social media. Here is a set of principles I follow regularly in regard to the socials:

• My biggest thing about social media is that I don’t want to be a part of the problem. I don’t want to promote capitalism. I don’t want to post only highlights of my life that could possibly make someone feel “jealous” or inferior. I don’t want to post something that may offend or trigger someone I care or used to care about. I don’t want to post information that takes up unnecessary space in someone’s subconscious. I don’t want to have a negative impact on anybody - especially if I’m posting when feeling temporary emotions. So, at this point in my life - I try to post things that are fruitful, inspiring, or simply important. I have been working very hard to not come off as hypercritical or superior to others. I genuinely feel like social media could be so much more powerful if the quality of content was elevated on all forefronts.

• One hour a day: My second biggest issue with social media is the amount of time it can take up. It is easy to scroll for long periods of time and lose track of your thought patterns. I do have certain creators who I love to keep up with and after I’ve seen their posts and a small amount of new information - its time to get off. I value my physical life and want to be present for those moments more than anything. I have an alert on the app that pops up when I’ve been active for one hour that day. As soon as it pops up - I leave it alone for the day and some days I don’t get on at all. Anytime I continue past an hour - I can feel it because I start to scroll past posts I saw a year ago OR information and themes become repetitive. Over time, my mind has grown to yearn for deeper stimulation.

• I update my followed accounts yearly & use the mute stories/posts features: Controlling what information I see when I log on is important. If all you consume is toxic/negative or triggering posts - this will generate a black hole in my brain where all this useless information lives. (The information in this hole exposes itself through my subconscious in moments where I am tired, dehydrated or sad). I make sure to go through the accounts I follow and unfollow those that produce cynical thoughts of myself, make me feel drained or uninspired. If I don’t want to unfollow someone I’ve known since 5th grade - but they post wild content - I mute them. I love the mute feature. You can love someone without subscribing to their interests and misaligned memes :( / :)

• I post when I want and not out of pressure. I used to feel like I couldn’t go a certain amount of time without posting. If I’d gone a month or so without posting I felt like I was hibernating and no longer a part of society but - it’s okay to not want to share anything. I had to learn that keeping some things to myself is actually a freedom and a way to implement personal validation. There was once a time when we learned about others through a home phone conversation and actually had to CONNECT in order to acquire knowledge about someone new.

• My likes are off. This was a game changer for me because I feel like it took the power away from the “ick” aspect of social media. Whether I get 400 likes or 78 likes on a post suddenly became irrelevant. I remember back in the day before I would post something I’d get anxious and my heart would beat fast. That seems silly to me now. I realize that this level of distress is highly unhealthy even if it exists for just a second.

• Allow yourself to be inspired by the content you consume. Now when I get on Instagram, I see so much cool stuff that my daily hour goes by fast. Seeing the art that some of my favorite creators have produced keeps me inspired. Staying up to date with events I may want to attend is also entertaining for me. Looking at the outfits that some of my favorite fashionistas have put together bring me so much joy. I love the pages I follow that inspire me to decorate my apartment better or suggest new music for me to listen to. I also love to giggle at the petty memes that those closest to me share - which accumulate and bring me actual joy.

• I would say my last one is to find entertainment in other platforms. I draw the line at IG - meaning, I don’t have Twitter or TikTok. However, I do spend a lot of time on Pinterest and Youtube or Apple Podcasts. I spend a little time on SubStack reading articles from writers/creatives I follow. Having other platforms to go to that promote a mental ambiance more aligned to my personality is crucial.

Everyone has a different opinion about social media, but the truth is that it has impact on us all. Understanding what kind of impact it has on you is a responsibility. I also consider my sensitivity toward social media as a high school teacher. Watching my students mental/emotional growth in parallel with social media is sometimes disheartening. I also know that some of my sensitivity comes from being in my thirties and having over a decade of life without social media and understanding how simple things once were. I remember when my friends and I would write letters and pass them in between classes. I just don’t want the art of being a human to be watered down by electronics and mass media.

What is your relationship like with social media?

SINGLE LIFE = *INCUBATION* PERIOD

If I could have a meeting with women in today’s time, one thing I would address is how sanctified single existence is. I can’t grasp why being single is portrayed as such a dreary life characteristic in social constructs. A moment in your life where you get the opportunity to evolve in peace is a transformative time. Do you know how difficult it is to self revive when you’re considering someone else’s time, well-being and feelings? It’s a challenge to choose yourself consistently when you’re waking up to someone else in your bed everyday. When you are in a phase where your life is not connected to someone else - this is a sacred time that will pass like lightening when you’re in a relationship again!

I can see how someone who has never experienced love in adulthood could long for connection - but if you have felt the delights of commitment and affection - understand that there’s value in solitary living. This is the time to evaluate the events of your last relationship and study the ways you could improve as a human. Allow this time to be preparation for your next connection - which could be your best one yet. Imagine that your next partner is the last person you’ll ever date. Are you able to show up for them (graciously) today? Have you developed the proper belief systems? I worry that seasons have lost their virtue because we’re being forced to identical lives. We can’t all be in blissful love at the exact same time. Maybe the love of your life is in a relationship right now learning a lesson that they won’t have to learn with you.

Be Love

There is so much work to do as an individual that it is never ending. I believe that you attract love by being love. Love yourself so that when you do meet someone, you are an accurate reflection of the person you portray yourself as. Read and learn so that you can contribute to a conversation and keep your partner engaged. Work on your health and your wealth - get your finances and gut in order. Study your tone and the ways you interact with others. Are you the most considerate version of yourself? Figure out what you love to do so that when you meet the right person - they can do it with you. Do not wait until you find the love of your life to be whole. It is important to arrive to new relationships as the best version of yourself. Create the opportunity for the ultimate comfort by addressing all of your insecurities ahead of time. It is easier to work on your physical appearance, debt, and emotional intelligence when you’re single than it is when you’re in a relationship. Singleness invites an honesty and privacy that is essential to growth.

Get a “Lil Friend” or Two

Just because you’re single does not mean you can’t date. I think a big mistake that people make when they’re single is become TOO single and completely stop exercising their love muscles. There is no specific amount of time that you should be single, because everyone has unique situations. Be open to welcoming “friends” that you’re attracted to while preparing for the responsibility of a relationship. The purpose of these “friendships” is to keep you engaged and in the practice of human interest. Flirting, smiling, laughter and intimacy do not have to cease because you aren’t engaged or married. You can still enjoy loving experiences without being in love. As long as you are honest and compassionate in your movements, this should bring value to your life. Dating people keeps you sharp and close to the feelings aligned with romance. I don’t want this to be confused with situationships and low vibrational attachments - but more of a high value friendship that includes occasional quality time and a collective understanding.

Deserting yourself from the energy of the opposite sex will either over excite you to the point of fastening yourself to the wrong person (out of lack or desperation) or give you culture shock when a great candidate begins to pursue you. This stage is like receiving a single rose that an admirer picked as they were walking to your house versus a dozen roses from your dearest partner. This stage is a delicious lunch at a cafe with perfect natural lighting as opposed to a serious candlelit dinner. This is the quiz and not the test. This is the gentle rain - not the thunderstorm. The key to this is allowing it to be fun without projecting your ultimate goal on every person you meet of the opposite sex. You shouldn’t be spending so much time with this person that it feels wasted if you never graduate to something more serious. This person is a hug before an eternal embrace. Allow yourself to make friends with the opposite sex and enjoy the natural dance. Low toned romance gives you the opportunity to explore what qualities you need in the ideal companion.

Don’t let the fear of being alone forever sucker you into thinking you aren’t worthy of love. This is a difficult social romantic climate for adults as we are at the intersection of many new realities. We’re experiencing huge shifts combined with media influencing. We are digging up hundreds of years of trauma for the betterment of ourselves and our children. I cringe at this panic driven negative cluster of emotions being forced upon us. I deeply frown at the narrative being pushed about love and romance right now because it isn’t true. There are people out there just like you who are looking for something real and are not subscribing to the (men against women) war on socials. This is the time to stay focused and stick to the ideals of love that you know exist. Stick to how you felt about love before the world told you how to feel about it.

Chloe`

HUGGING 2023 GOODBYE & WELCOMING 2024

2023 was such a quiet year for me. I didn’t have much to say – but I did feel a lot. I was at a point where movement took more of a precedence than anything else. Action felt necessary. Going inward and pairing that with initiative was the catalyst to most of my personal evolution.

 Whatever the *thing* was – I just did it. I had high expectations for my year and what feelings I wanted to evoke within my life. I wanted 2023 to feel gracious and compelling. This was the year that I was even more “selfish” than the last. Finally, I’d arrived at the actuality that choosing and prioritizing yourself is the key to the ultimate ascension. I know that it is cliché and obnoxiously recycled but it’s true. When you tune out everything but your own desires – your life is given the permission to shape itself to a truth that is custom for you.

 A big pill I had to swallow was being okay with less communication with others. I had to be okay with very low activity on social media and completely withdrawing from what did not make sense. If you agree to things out of alignment with your masterplan – then you also will be out of alignment. I took a lot of days off work in 2023, more than ever. I did little creative work – focusing more on input than output.

 January was the start of grad school. I remember applying and being afraid that I may not be able to start or that something would go wrong with processing. I wanted to start school so badly and it had been a long time since I cared about something so much. I could not stay calm until I knew I was accepted. I felt grateful once classes started and (honestly) receiving education as an adult is completely different than undergrad. I visited home a lot and began to accept that it would be a year of travel due to me not feeling rooted in Dallas.

 February was one of the best months in 2023. I started the month in New York, and it was everything I needed. It was extremely cold on this visit, but it heightened dramatics in the most beautiful way. The Brooklyn Museum was packed with gorgeous black folks singing, dancing, and enjoying art. I was in the best company and felt so alive the entire trip. February is also the month my mother gifted me with my first designer bag as an early birthday present. It felt like a rite of passage – a big moment in girlhood. It was much deeper than designer or me carrying around a purse that is double my rent. It’s about acknowledging that I deserve something lavish and what some may call unnecessary. It was about being sparked with the idea of making more money so that I can have more lavish things. It felt like an upgrade – which slowly forced me to upgrade my entire wardrobe. I can truly say that style wise – I completely leveled up in 2023. I upgraded my self-care practices. I was trying new hairstyles that I would never attempt in the past. I upgraded my perspective and decisions. February felt like a month-long birthday. This was one of the most special birthdays I’d had in a long time – being home with family was the best decision.

 March was all about my son. At the beginning of the month, we went to Monster Jam which was a huge thing for him. Boys are so fun, and I enjoy spending time doing things that he finds exciting. March is also the month of spring break, so we went from zoo dates to aquarium dates to farm visits and the soul circus. This was a very active and expensive part of the year that felt full of joy and family. I ended the month modeling in a shoot, and it had been a long time since I was behind a lens. Although I was nervous – I used this shoot to get comfortable with myself again. This shoot forced me to see myself and all my features. This shoot addressed insecurities and taught me the lesson of self-acceptance. Each time I received a new edit from the photographer was a new time I had to address how I really felt about my appearance.

 April was the beginning of another large leap forward as the fourth month of the year. I thought that I had already seen so much – but the year was just getting started. April began with Oklahoma Cowboys interviews in OKC. I love visiting Oklahoma City because it reminds me of a very comfortable, charmed, intimate chapter of my life. This is where I became a mother and grew so much as a woman. Going back to Oklahoma, taking my son with me and being able to write and creatively work was very rewarding. I felt very supported as a working mother by everyone around me and that was sweet.

 I took off to upstate NY at the top of April for the first time and I was not the same when I returned. My love for art spiked heavily in 2023 because I saw and was surrounded by beautiful work and artists. Visiting Dia Beacon was me living out my Pinterest dreams and just truly wowing myself and my life. Traveling for important reasons is cool, but traveling for no reason is top tier. Again – this all goes back to the purse and me relishing in what seems unnecessary yet so IS.

 By April I truly believed I could do what I wanted to do with my life. In April we got a dog - which was exactly what Phoenix and I needed. Our dog Kofi balances us out so well! As if April wasn’t hectic enough, at the end of the month I took a girl’s trip to Los Angeles. This trip reintroduced me to sisterhood and all the sweet feelings that come with being around girls. I think my friend Ashleigh and I had more fun than we anticipated – I felt very young! I saw more art and dwelled in the amazing weather. April 2023 has a special place in my heart.

 At the end of April, I got into a bad car wreck. I was traumatized because it was the worst wreck I had ever been in and the other party fled the scene on foot. I was on my way to pick up my son from school. I was left there with no information from the hit and runner, and it was a huge rain cloud over four months of literal bliss. I FOR SURE suffered PTSD from that wreck. For months after that I had developed a fear of driving and the inability to trust strangers on the road. I will say that I had a support system who quickly picked me up before I hit the ground – but it was a CLOSE CALL. There was no time to be sad because before the month was up my little brother would be proposing to his fiancé. I was blessed to have such treasured moments be followed by what felt like tragedy.

 By May I was waving goodbye to the set of seniors I taught when they were in ninth grade. To watch a group of children, transform from age 14 to 18 is magical. Being a high school teacher addresses a lot of high school trauma of my own. I am happy for the opportunity to go back and heal those parts of myself. That age bracket is SO important and fragile. I love being a high school teacher because I feel like I can make things easier for my kids and I know I did that. It was so hard to say goodbye to those seniors and accept that I may never see them again. May was also the month my son graduated Kindergarten which was a huge milestone. May gave me the opportunity to see fruit of long planted seeds and it was also the beginning of the summer I needed so badly to regroup.

 June and July were grounding months. I went to hot yoga so much. I swam a lot at my mother’s house. I was soaking up the Texas sun and eating a lot of fruit. Health was the priority for me. I had a lot of time to myself, but I also spent a lot of time with family as it seems everyone has summer birthdays. My son turned six and we celebrated him in Galveston. I was happy about the way his party turned out and I felt that I had “redeemed” myself from his very chill fifth birthday. I visited Miami in July. It was an eye-opening trip for me. I remember being happy with how my body looked and felt because of all the work I had put in. I believe I was still fragile from the wreck and releasing a pessimistic attitude about life and how scary it can be. I was still trucking along in grad school – which is what kept me focused much of the year. At the end of July, I took a much-needed trip home, and this is where the idea of me moving back really began to creep into my plans more than ever before.

 August always feels like a new year to me because it marks the beginning of a new school year. One thing about me is – I love a fresh start. I was excited to teach. I was excited to start new grad classes. I was excited to put more effort into my classroom and August was rich with opportunities. Before school began, I had a sweet lake day with my family on a pontoon and I can’t wait to relive that this coming summer. August put me back in a routine and by September I was back in my bag!!

 September I shopped a lot for fall and winter wardrobe pieces. September was the month of the Beyonce concert which was iconic and a huge 2023 highlight. I went to the concert with my mom. Not only did we go to the concert, but we made a girls’ weekend of it. We went out together and met up with friends – we ate delicious dinners and stayed in the most beautiful hotel. My relationship with my mom is one that I cherish deeply. I can do anything with my mom and she’s one of my favorite humans. She is an inspiration and we have so much in common. Even if my mom wasn’t “my mom” I would still be her friend and spend a lot of time with her.

 October was cheerful! We love spooky season over here! My mom hosted a party for the children in my family at her house called the “Fall – fall through”. Little events like these bring me joy because my son gets so excited to be around his cousins. My mom was super festive when I was a child, so to see her recycle the joy with my son is beautiful.

I took my first out of country trip to Costa Rica at the end of October and it’s one of the most gorgeous places I’d ever been. My college best friend and I booked this trip spontaneously and it couldn’t have been a better decision. This trip allowed me to explore and look at life from a different angle. The lands of Costa Rica felt spiritual and healing. Eating fresh foods and having access to waterfalls and animals brought me back to source. The on and off rain lack of control reset my perspective and made me respect the earth more. I can’t wait to return.

 November I took off to Denver, Colorado for my sister in laws bridal shower. Being in Colorado with them was exposure to so much feminine energy. I’ve never been someone who had a big group of friends that all hang together and had a lot in common. Being around my sister-in-law and her friends really made me analyze my own relationship with women and the ways that has evolved for me throughout my life. This was my first (or second) time meeting many of them and they were sweet. Although I was an outsider looking in – it was beautiful to witness women being so loving and supportive toward each other. We had a lot of fun and I got to know her on a more intimate level. Colorado was so cold but refreshing at the same time.

 November continued to have a hustle bustle theme as we inched closer to the wedding. As a bridesmaid – my life was dedicated to this wedding and all the events floating around it. To see my brother happy and beginning a new chapter in his life was surreal.

 Thanksgiving was chill and peaceful. I did cook a full meal, but we did not have a turkey. I made all of Phoenix and I’s favorites. We stayed home and relaxed. We spent the evening putting up the Christmas tree which I think is a new tradition for us.

 December 1st, I witnessed my brother marry the love of his life. The wedding was beautiful. Phoenix was the ring bearer and watching him walk down the aisle at my brother’s wedding was insane. Phoenix reminds me so much of my brother in many ways. To see our families merge brought me excitement which was the theme for most of the year.

 All I really wanted to do was focus on rest and Christmas after the wedding. At a hair appointment, I realized how much my hair had grown in 2023. One of my goals for the year was to grow my hair at least two inches. I put a lot of effort into décor and building excitement around the holidays for my son. One of his requests was to have his bedroom walls painted red. My mom came down and helped me with a full room revamp for him. We had an amazing Christmas. After Christmas I spent a week in Houston to be with family and that was the perfect ending to my year.

 2024 has a slow start and I’m okay with that. I am pretty occupied with school, parenting, writing work and teaching. My basic responsibilities are keeping me so busy.

 Some goals I have set for myself in 2024 are:  

·      Being a more fun mom: When Phoenix looks back on what type of parent I was in his younger years, I’d like for him to remember all the fun we had together.

·      Prioritizing educational practices: In my household, I’d like to incorporate more opportunities for leisure learning. In a dream world, I’d be homeschooling my son and teaching him all the things I feel like he should know. The truth is that I still can teach him what I want him to know outside of school, so I’ll be giving that a shot!

·      I added “write more” to my list: (at the end of last year) and I can’t imagine writing more than I am right now. My writing career has never been this busy in my life. A new and unexpected spark began to ignite toward the end of last year and I’m grateful for it because motivation is not guaranteed as a writer. Writing spells are inconsistent. I hope to birth meaningful projects this year. Yes plural. Multiple. I know I can do it!

·      Running a 5k is on my list: It’s been on my list every year for the past three years. I hope I get to it this year. My brother mentioned wanting to complete a 5k – which would be cute to do together!

·      At home workouts is a big one for me. Going to the gym isn’t realistic for my lifestyle and my schedule. I need to be able to work out at home. I follow a couple of inspiring at home workout girlies and I am taking notes. I just want to stay toned. I will continue my yoga practice, but incorporating weights would be beneficial. I’m hopeful about this one and I’ll be proud of myself if I can achieve it.

·      I’m working toward paying my car off. It’s doable. This is my one financial goal. It is something specific that I can focus on and achieve with an actionable plan.

·      Use my healthcare more. This is plain and simple.

·      One of my more reflective and intentional dedications for 2024 is to “do things big and not small”. In my notes it says “stop dipping your toe into things and do them with every fiber of your being”. People in my life would probably describe me as someone who does things in a very “big” way. But – I know that I can settle with my visions instead of really pulling the trigger in a way that feels satisfying for me. So when it comes to travel, projects, purchases, memories.. I want to go big. I don’t want to hold back on my dreams or desires in 2024.

MEET KOFI

Three months ago, Phoenix got his first dog who we decided to name Kofi. Life has been adventurous with this new addition to our lives. We’d been searching for the perfect dog for a while. I’m a person who’s all about feelings and doing what feels right intuitively. All of the other dogs we were close to getting never made it home with us. My mom and stepdad picked Kofi and I approved of him over a FaceTime call. We went to their house to pick him up that same day. Many of my sons characteristics have heightened since becoming a big (dog) brother. He is even more compassionate than he was before. Kofi gives him more reasons to laugh and smile. These two chase each other around, and are really close like friends! If I had known my son would have such a close connection with a pet, I would’ve committed much sooner.

Although the purpose of getting a dog was for Phoenix to have a pet/companion, Kofi has been good for me too in many ways. Kofi gets me outside for his walk every few hours when I’m glued to my desk. He’s a sense of safety because he is alert and lets us know if someone is near our front door. When Phoenix is away - he’s the perfect little friend to ride with me to the store or to get coffee with. I had a dog named Kane who I had to put down around the time Phoenix was born. I never felt ready to get a new pet until the last year or so. I’m really grateful to get a dog who is mostly quiet and more of a joy than an unwanted responsibility. I became used to forceful change brought unto me by life. Kofi was an intentional and chosen change and it feels good.

At the beginning of the summer I wanted to write more here and blossom with blogging. The truth is that fun and grad school have taken the front seat in my life. I’ve been traveling so much, and when I’m not traveling - Im studying and doing work. This summer feels so good and this chapter of my life in general feels good. It feels like I’m finally becoming the Chloe` I was working so hard to be. This is the season of relaxing into my reality instead of trying to generate so much. I’m also working on a really special project that I can’t wait to share more about. If you’re reading this, I hope you know how to choose yourself. I hope you know that you deserve to live the life of your dreams.

Chloe`

ARE YOU EVEN READY?

If you find yourself pondering on your future and visualizing your dream life, there’s a question you should ask yourself. Would you be equipped if what you desired presented itself today? If you’re longing for a certain experience - are you ready for it? Are you devoted? I find it amusing how much time is spent on imagining how life could be with this career or this person or with this house - when the steps to sustain said opportunities haven’t been explored. It’s easy to romanticize the results and not the process. The action can start now, and the sooner it does - the closer we are to our ideal lifestyle.

When I imagine my dream life, I imagine having a small two or three bedroom home. I’d like to be in a neighborhood where I can walk my son to school. I don’t want to be in the suburbs - I’d like to be in an older established neighborhood in the middle of the city. One of those quaint neighborhoods that are festive and diverse. I would like to have one of those ginormous netted trampolines in the backyard and a small garden. I would like for my guest bedroom to double as a writing space with a desk and all of my inspirational notes on display. I see colorful drinking glasses in a transparent cupboard where all of my dining pieces are visible. I’d like to have musical instruments throughout the home for my son to play and practice with.

In my dream life, I see myself walking my dog or dogs on the weekends to a nearby coffee shop. I can already hear city chatter and people driving by with their music loud. I see my son picking out his favorite pastry once we make it to the cafe. I visualize a positive and peaceful environment for us. A lifestyle filled with ease and activity. I can visualize me having friends that are mothers whose sons play on the same sports team as Phoenix or whatever his activity of choice is at the time. At this stage of life, I crave some grounding. I’ve moved a lot in the last ten years of my life. I’m ready to be in one spot and collect a bunch of unnecessary shit in all the closets. I’m ready to host wine drunken dinners twice a month with close friends and family who genuinely care for me.

I desire a romantic love that is consistent and dreamy. People put a lot of limits on love, and I realize this is because they’ve never experienced the magic that love can bring. In my experience, love and relationships have offered more than heart break. Love has offered joy, and laughter. Love has offered togetherness as family and friends merge. Love has given me a beautiful child who brings compassion, responsibility and growth into my reality. Love has shown me how simply you can live when you share life with someone who has a similar vision as you. In my dream life my person loves me in ways I didn’t know I needed. My person prioritizes the health of our family and children. In my dreams, my person values time spent together and makes it a point to create time for that. In my dreams, my person allows me to flourish as an individual and uplifts me along the way. I see morning conversations on our porch. I can see sharing home design projects. I see all of the other gorgeous things like dancing together in the living room and decorating our home together on holidays.

In my dream life, I’d like to regularly take my mother on vacations and frequent lunches. I’d like for my son to spend time with his cousins like I did as a child. I would like to have family gatherings and sleepovers for the kids at my house. I’d like to have a career that gives me the luxury of making a difference in peoples lives, while having plenty of time for my own life and plans without stress and friction. I remember when financial stability was the dream - now emotional and mental stability are the dreams! I am manifesting a yoga studio nearby that I love where there are other black girls in eye sight. I would also like to have a book club or some type of writing group that I meet with regularly.

I could go on forever about my dream life because it’s what I fantasize about in my idle time. I do think that I am taking the steps to create this reality for myself little by little. Step one would be to finish grad school and secure a career in my hometown. As I move closer and closer to the finish line, I am keeping my dream in mind. I encourage you to think about your own dream life and how you want your future to unfold. I want you to use your senses when you’re planning your future. Imagine what it will taste like..smell like. I tried really hard not to use the m word as I wrote this (manifestation). I understand how cliche and boring the concept is in todays modern journal reads. But to imagine something you hope for in great detail IS truly birthing a phenomenon in your life.

I think it is important to know that at any point your plan can be disrupted. You can be totally caught off guard and redirected in the most beautiful way. You could end up in a different state or career than you thought you would. SO it is important to be open minded. When I look at some of the blessings I’ve acquired and am currently experiencing - I realize that maybe I wasn’t dreaming big enough in the past. I’ve shared an image of me when I was a little girl. I’ve been OBSESSED with digging up my past and learning more about my childhood in relation to who I am today. At the end of the day, I just want to make THAT little girls dreams come true. I think I’m about 6 in this photo which is the same age my son will be this summer. It feels good to write again - summer is where my practice REALLY picks up. I appreciate all of you who stay no matter how long it takes for me to return.

xxx CJ

A BIRTHDAY IS A PROMISE

My birthday this year was the best birthday I’ve had in a really long time. Not because of the day itself, but because of the person I became within the year. My outlook on birthdays are now more focused on who I was in those 365 days. Some questions I contemplate are: In that year, what type of decisions did you make for yourself? How productive were you with your time? How much did you choose yourself? How much did you smile and laugh? How many lessons did you learn? How much joy did you experience from your last birthday to this one?

Now I see birth days as a promise. Birthdays feel like a pledge to give myself a meaningful life. So, when this birthday arrived and I took inventory of the way I’d been living - I was joyful. Before there was so much emphasis on the celebration, a subconscious way to make up for the lack of intentionality, and bullshitting with my life’s purpose. Neither of those things had space in my life in the last year. I exposed all of my beautiful colors. I was vulnerable when I needed to be. I handled my business as a mother and as a professional. I was well traveled and had many experiences to be proud of. I released a book which taught me valuable lessons. I became less authoritarian over things that didn’t need my control. I created firm boundaries between myself and highly toxic habits that were once so addicting. I listened to my intuition with appreciation for the ability and maturity to hear her. Life truly is beautiful.

This year, I spent my birthday at home in Houston. It was simple and intimate. What I enjoyed the most was the physical embracing and conversation. I felt loved and cherished. Feeling good about myself was the biggest gift, and everything else was extra love. February altogether was a month of receiving and abundance.

With this year, I want to read more and shift my writing practice in a different direction. I want to prioritize education and keep a high gpa in my grad school program. I want to create experiences that my son will never forget. I’d like to focus on curating a home that is warm through art and more thoughtful design. These are just a handful of things that come to mind. Most of all, I just want to be happy and true to myself.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

When I contemplate life and all that it entails I have to give myself a really big pat on the back. I have evolved past habits that were counterproductive to my growth. To say that I evolved means I no longer do or have the desire to do these things I’ve evolved from.

The biggest thing about change is that it can’t happen unless you want it. When you feel the deep desire for a new reality - only then can you shift from one existence to another. The powerful thing is that all it takes is one decision to change your life. This thought is heavy on my mind and I only write here when I feel compelled to. That is the thing about my practice, it is honest and in real time.

When you make up your mind about anything, your whole world can change. Here are some things I made up my mind about in the last six months:

1. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. I stopped saying yes to things I wasn’t all the way on board with. I realized how short life is and how it should be spent doing things I love. Now I literally only do what I want to do. This has changed the quality of my life because now I am not anxious about upcoming things that I don’t want involvement in. I am excited to be an active participant of my own time.

2. Detachment. Letting go of thoughts, people and ideas that are not aligned with me. Letting things go (which I rambled about in my last post) is one of the most transformative things you can do for your life. Letting things go makes room for what is new. This is simple. Our attachments keep us holding onto things so tight that barely have meaning. Let it go. Be renewed.

3. Allow yourself the freedom to live. I wonder why we talk ourselves out of doing things we want to do. Life is here for you to enjoy. If you feel compelled to get up and take a walk - take the walk. If you want to go to Europe next year - plan and go. If you want to invite someone you’re interested in on a date - invite them! Stop waiting so long to do things you have genuine interest in. These days, I go crazy with telling myself yes. Before changing this about myself, I would wait forever for the simplest treasures. There is nothing for you to do here on earth but live your life. There is more to be said about why giving ourselves permission to be satisfied feels wrong - but that’s to be addressed in another post.

These three things have made me a happier person. I’ve become more mentally organized. I’ve become an expert at finding charm in my day to day life. It’s easy to get caught up in responsibilities and forget some of the changes that need to be made. Instead of boring yourself with goal based accountability, maybe you just need a change in perspective or daily practices.

THE POWER OF LETTING THINGS GO

Humanity has programmed us to believe that all endings are failures. We sometimes connect endings with death. Closings have been branded with defeat, which keeps us paralyzed in what is underserving. The truth is that endings are births. When one thing ceases to exist, something else is born in its place. Many fear that dormancy period of waiting in that empty space - until it is filled with what is better suited. With a mixture of patience and courage, develop the audacity to separate yourself from what is unhealthy and unenjoyable within the world you wish to create for yourself.

One lesson I’ve learned is that holding onto people, spaces, chapters and things out of fear is detrimental to maturation. I’ve also seen how setting things free develops a light in myself and what/who is being let go. Holding instruments and notions hostage paralyzes your creativity and room for expansiveness. Allow availability for the things you wish for. Fear is the monster. Scarcity mindset is the monster. Holding onto one tiny star when you deserve the galaxy will be a regret in the end.

This is me encouraging you to let it go. Whatever it is - so that you can move closer to your transcendental self.

Here are some examples of things you may need to let go of: addictions, unhealthy habits, relationships, jobs, misaligned goals, unnecessary commitments and responsibilities, thought patterns, hobbies you don’t even like, clothes, apartment/homes that don’t feel good anymore, physical things that hold trauma, hairstyle that no longer suits you (and the list goes on).

P.S. Earlier this month, I read ‘Notes on Shapeshifting’ by Gabi Abrao and it was enjoyable. It felt like I was reading a diary of thoughts. Some of it made sense to me while other parts did not. I enjoy her style of writing and find it similar to mine in regards to the ability to relate. It was a good read while I got my hair braided. I hope your January was liberating and fair to you.

xx C.

FIND PEACE - KEEP PEACE ISSUE 04

I am happy to announce that I am a contributor of ‘Find Peace, Keep Peace’ Issue 04. This is a printed publication by Colourblock studios. The Creative Director Lorenzo Diggins selected me to write a piece about ‘Legacy’. When I sat down to write, the first thing that came to me were the things I’d been taught and experienced. A big part of why I’m a passionate writer, educator and creative and parent derive from characteristics I inherited from my mother and grandmother. Myself, along with many other amazing artists were featured in this issue sharing their perspectives on legacy. If you would like to read my piece and purchase the newspaper, click this link.

Lorenzo is a black designer who owns a new art studio in Los Angeles. Working with him has been an absolute pleasure. What an honorable first collaboration of 2023!

CHECKING THE TEMP

Every previous year I’ve rushed into a new routine for myself. The newness of the year brought a desire to make sudden positive changes. This time, I didn’t commit to any dramatic transitions. I just let myself be. I continued the commitments created in the last six months. I think who I am today - is finally enough. I released the rigidness that the new year often brings catapulting us into impractical beliefs. Sudden forced change can disrupt our natural flow. The reality is that there isn’t much difference between the last day of the year and the 24 hours following into the new year.

Something that feels more authentic that I began was to create one or two achievable goals for myself monthly. Things that capitalize on what my reality is at this moment. Actions that are within my reach, but will also make me better. The intentions were to attend yoga four times, and get into my masters program by the deadline. So far - as of the 24th, I am in the program AND have been to yoga three times. My intention for next month are to help Phoenix write his name in a more legible state.

Changing the goals each month allows for all kinds of purpose to actualize itself. Perhaps all of the drastic changes I’ve made in the last few years have gotten me to a point where I don’t have to be so climactic. I like who I am and I think I am finally in my rhythm. This is a beautiful place to be which I think comes with your ‘30s’. This has to be that “peace” everyone was referring to that shows itself once you reach thirties. I understand my mission. I’ve made peace with it - the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects. I know all things wont go my way - but I still hold space for what will.

January has been enjoyable. I went home recently and visited with friends and family which filled my cup. I also got the opportunity to go to an art show which was really beautiful. I wanted to share a few images from that time in space. I am recognizing the value in how important it is to go home and be around my loved ones - especially in the colder months where I experience loneliness or boredom.

How are you feeling about the new year?

2022 RECAP/REFLECTIONS

I am days into the new year and still reflecting so much on 2022. Last year was a year of major transformation. It was my “me” year. The year where I prioritized myself more than anything else. I see how my choices shaped me into a new person with a whole new perspective. This thought propels me to actualize my current desires. I saw growth in myself last year that I haven’t seen since 2019. That was the last year I evolved so much that it was unbelievable. Breaking down my shifts month by month are what brings the healing and positive adjustments to the forefront.

January: Last January started off melancholy. My New Year’s Eve was emotional, but I still made the best of it. I was in some sort of rut filled with a mixture of uncertainty and fear. I could feel change coming soon and decided to welcome it regardless of how I felt. I spent some time at home with family in Houston, but the month itself was pretty hazy. I felt like I was “auto piloting” through every day.

February: Things began to shift by the second month of the year. I began to take real responsibility for my happiness. Realizing just how independent you must be in times of growth really got to me. Regardless of the presence of your family and immediate friends - doing “the work” can get so lonely. It wasn’t until this solitude was embraced that I was able to climb out of pessimism. Learning that I alone - was enough to maintain my pleasure was the key to expansion. I was on my way out of sad girl season and tapping into the best parts of my existence. The highlight of February was the birthday party I hosted at my house for my best friend, Lauren. I also had a birthday myself. Some aspects of no longer being 30 and coming into age 31 motivated me to be more accepting of life. I realized that I needed to find peace even in the midst of life’s turbulence.

March: This was such an amazing month for me. I took a trip to Miami with my good friend Rose and it was everything I needed. She was the perfect person to travel with and our trip was flawless. My confidence and sense of self skyrocketed in March because I was open to fun and socializing again -in a way like never before. I was intentional about getting out and making time to really live. I went home in March and met up with new and old friends. I went out dancing and spent a lot of time trying to teach Phoenix how to ride his bike. I was finding joy in being alive again - finding joy in all the details. This is also when I began to prioritize the beauty side of things keeping my hair and nails done at all times. I was getting weekly pedicures when my feet hurt after work and saying “hell yes” to whatever made me happy. March was also the start of the physical production of my book “Wildflower”.

April: The spring was absolutely beautiful. My nails were blue in April, which is a color I’d rarely select. I was still traveling so much and taking advantage of any time off. Phoenix and I went to the park a lot. One day in particular we went to the arboretum and I remember his frustration with not being able to catch the butterflies in his hands. I became a really rebellious person in April and did things the old me would never do. In April, I let people help me and love me. I no longer felt the need to be hyper responsible or in control of all things. By this time, I was knee deep in production of my book which took up a lot of my energy.

May: The best part of May this year was spending mothers day with my mom. This was the first mothers day in a while where it was just us two. We road tripped to Austin on a sunny day. We ate, we shopped, and we laughed together. To celebrate my 5th mothers day with my mom was so special. I felt like I had earned my mom stripes and she spoiled me rotten. I felt recognized and appreciated. When I was at her house the other day - I saw the plant I gave her for mothers day flourishing in her entryway.

In May, I danced and had so much fun at a Casa Bloom party with my friend Ashley. She is someone who I’ve been spending time with this year. This is a new beautiful friendship that I am so grateful for. She is always present and fun. I love friendships that are warm and easy.

I had the photoshoot for my book release, and prepared to say goodbye to my students for the summer. One day in May, I took off work and had a self care day. I started with yoga, then a nice relaxing shower. I then followed with a massage and hair appointment all while Phoenix was at school. This was also the month he graduated Pre-K!

June: This year Phoenix went to summer camp and left me with much needed free time. I got serious about working out. I worked out almost every single day. I would use the Nike run app to record my daily walks/runs. This helped me mentally organize so many loose thoughts and improved my focus.

I held copies of my book for the first time in June. We swam a lot at my moms house, and I visited with family again in Houston. My dad took me to the shooting range. I also traveled to Austin which was an interesting time. Being in nature with people I love always creates beautiful memories. I’d say the month of June was all about obsession with physical training and finishing the remaining work on my book.

July: My son had his 5th birthday. This was surreal for me. He had a chill birthday at the waterpark with his Dad and I. I remember wishing his party was cooler and more explosive. I did karaoke for the first time this July. It was exhilarating! I sang “Call Tyrone” by Erykah Badu. I went to Phoenix’s summer school and read to his class a couple times in July. This made me feel like a real parent!! I spent the end of July shooting and prepping for the release of “Wildflower” which was very stressful and expensive - yet rewarding in the end.

August: I cried like a baby on Phoenix’s first day of Kindergarten. It just felt different. In general, I am not a dramatic mom who cries at every milestone. I love watching Phoenix grow older and look forward to exploring his mind through thoughtful conversation in his teens. I jumped back into work and spent a lot of time packing and shipping book orders. This was also my first time teaching seniors in high school, as I taught juniors the previous year. I also spent a majority of August eating clean and preparing for a family vacation. Mid year was highly stressful but relief was around the corner.

September: In September I took a family trip to HAWAII. It was absolutely beautiful. The scenery and the time away from daily routine was beyond fruitful. I was proud of myself for making that happen and being able to financially provide that experience for my son. I also returned to Miami in September, making travel a big aspect of my month. I really craved the sun and the beach. It was hard for me to let go of summer this year. I was exercising my time and freedom a lot in September while ridding myself of a scarcity mindset. I was dedicated to living my dream life while also finding balance to maintain responsibilities.

October: SOCCER MOM STATUS. In October Phoenix wrapped up his soccer season. Although it wasn’t his favorite, it was nice to have a new shared dedication. It brought our family happiness seeing him try something new. His art teachers son was also on the team. At each practice I liked observing the different family structures of all the little players. By the end there was a cute little bond between the parents after all the exhausting, chaotic after school practices. Homecoming at my high school was adorable. Seeing my students in their school spirit costumes as seniors was beautiful. Halloween was amazing and I thoroughly enjoyed trick or treating with Phoenix. He was a dinosaur. I also collaborated on a newspaper with my good friend Jakian about the history and awareness of black cowboys. I loved exercising my creativity in that way. October was beautiful.

November: My November began in New Orleans which was a dream. I had a really beautiful dinner with my mom and stepdad in November. They came into town and took me out and I appreciated it so much. Thanksgiving was a little somber, but I did cook an entire thanksgiving dinner on my own for the second time. It makes me proud to know I’m capable of hosting a dinner if I choose to. Next year, I will cook a non thanksgiving meal. I realized this year that I can be a little more unique in my approach to Thanksgiving. I did a lot of nesting in November, spending money on my home and making small upgrades in each room.

December: Probably the most beautiful and fun filled month ever. After having a Thanksgiving that was pretty lackluster, I was determined to make sure Christmas was everything and more. I ordered a 7 foot tree and it was beautiful. The first weekend of December was spent in Miami for Art Basel. Art Basel showed me the many ways I can expand as a writer. I felt inspired and came home with a lot of new ideas. I tried a new hairstyle for the first time, which I rarely do. I keep the same four hairstyles in rotation. That small change made a big difference and allowed me to see myself in a new light.

The second weekend of December I went to Austin and had the most amazing museum experience. I relaxed and rested in the cutest airbnb. The third week school was out for the remainder of the month and I spent that time really treating Phoenix and I to everything we desired. We were able to go to Houston and spend time with family. We shopped and ate a lot. Christmas Day was absolutely beautiful and fulfilling. December was the fullest month I’ve ever experienced. My new year was perfect, kind of like how it is in movies. It felt effortless and I was surrounded by people I love.

The major reoccurring themes in 2022 were travel, spontaneity, and self care (hair, nails, spa, physical health). I really took the time to just enjoy myself in all of the ways possible.

Lessons learned: Time is also an investment. Work smarter, not harder. Let people help you. Ask for help. Let people love you. Spend on quality/investments. Feel your feelings and then let them pass. Book the flight. Book the flight. Book the flight. Book the flight. Get nails/hair done as a pick me up. Being a mother is a blessing. Isolation is not healing. Let people grow at their own rate.

How were your months last year? Reflect with me.

HOLIDAYS AREN'T ALWAYS GLITTERY

Growing up holidays felt like an enchanted time filled with family. I remember the excitement of linking up with my cousins and eating good food. The decorations, the music, the laughter - it was like just for that day everything was alright. My granny’s house was often our last stop because we knew we’d be there for the rest of the night - at least until midnight. Once I sensed the adults packing up or seeming ready to go begun the process of convincing my mom to let me spend the night with my cousins. She usually said yes. This was a time of catching up and a comfort of existing in whatever state life had brought us to. As an adult, I now understand the comfort and the warmth that the holidays brought. I understand now the importance of that consistency. Thanksgiving and Christmas was like a day that it felt like everyones birthday. A joy that is shared in effort and much preparation. A communal luxurious time filled with so much energy. The energy of audacity, looking good, seeking advice, showing off a new person you’re dating. Everyone seeing a new baby who’s just been born, and giving each other gifts - seeing each others reactions.

Now it seems that over time - death and growth have shifted the ways that holidays feel for me. Or - maybe as an adult I am more aware of the many truths of life that take away some of the holiday glitter that existed for me as a child. As families experience death, and then feuds, and loss, or separation - as more children are being born and families are breaking off into their own things change. As the pandem*c has shifted us into homebodies who are prioritizing individualized wellness and feelings of introversion. As - togetherness can seem like a threat to health - AS everything has seemed to burn itself to the ground and begin anew (so much) in the last five or so years - it all feels different to me.

As a mother, I am creating traditions that are realistic for Phoenix. I want all of his holidays to feel glittery like mine used to. I want him to get everything on his Christmas list. I want him to anticipate the food being ready as he awakens to the aroma of my offerings. I want him to look forward to it all. I am intentionally looking for ways to extract all the good things from holidays amid extreme capitalism and family drama which are both mildly inevitable. I recognize that my holiday does not have to look the same as everyone else’s and that I can customize our experience. Overall, I just want love, abundance and contentment over the next two months. How are you feeling about the holidays this time around? I think it is okay to reflect on some of the non glittery aspects that festive times of the year may bring. It’s also necessary to be honest with yourself and others about how you want this time to look.

THE RODEO RECORD

I recently had the pleasure of working on a project called ‘The Rodeo Record’ with one of my dearest friends Jakian Parks. Jakian is a photographer based in Oklahoma City who has a unique way of capturing black existence. Jakian and I met years ago when I lived in OKC. I discovered him on social media and we did some work together. We’ve been inseparable ever since! Although Jakian is young in age, he has such an old and genuine soul. He holds a beautiful balance of responsibility and jollification. I’ve never met anyone like him before. He inspires me because he is so committed to his craft in a way that shows he was put here to do this. The artists that influence me the most are the ones who are savages about their work - and he is exactly that.

I also have a deep love for Oklahoma City as I lived there for three years. I was pregnant with my son there, and heavily immersed into the community. Oklahoma City is such a small place that it’s easy to get to know people and move around the area quickly. As small as OKC is, there are many wonderful creatives who have such a unique approach to art and individuality. This is why it was a no brainer for me to write for TRR.

The Rodeo Record is a project focused primarily on the black ‘oklahomian’ cowboy experience. Within the team, we created a space where the black rodeo is showcased to others in a conversational way. Being a Texan, cowboy life is not new to me. Growing up I felt very in touch with the country aspect of blackness and the many ways we cultivate the land. Many black folks from other areas are unaware of how prevaleant cowboys are in our history. As a writer, it felt important to collaborate with Jakian because we need things to be written in our ‘language’. Writing for this project felt instinctive, although it was research based and cumbersome at times. Writing about blackness never gets old to me. It was also very refreshing to interview cowboys and wear my journalist hat. Interviews are one of my favorite writing genres.

Jakian continues to serve as a pillar for the rodeo community as a commemoration of his aunt who passed. She introduced him to that life and it continues through the community which is ‘The Oklahoma Cowboys’. To say that I am proud is an understatement, and I am so happy it is now shared with the world.

Graphics designer: @colinmoran_ Creative Development: @youllsea

I TOOK A NAP IN NEW ORLEANS

At last, I’ve reached a point in life that I feel like I can settle into. A space that I am comfortable to dance and exist fully in. I’ve caught my balance and I feel at ease. I feel at ease with my decisions and my day to day life. I feel at ease with my soul, my career, my parenting, my finances, my physical appearance. I feel at ease in my creativity and in my relationships. All of the inner work and tears and longing for contentment in everyday life is actualizing itself. I’ve discovered the path to true happiness. Even in moments of frustration or doubt I am still able to tap into gratefulness.

Simple things make me happy like being at home - in a space I carefully curated over time. I’ve been in this apartment for almost two years. I think it takes about that much time to gather all of what you need to make a home a home. You slowly collect things a long the way that contribute to the warmth of the place. There’s always been this incomplete feeling - I always thought I was missing art on the walls. I recently moved an antique dresser out of storage and into my apartment given to me by my grandmother. It seems the dresser really adds depth and fullness to the place. My apartment is quite modern - but the dresser brings an honesty and sturdiness to the space. It’s also become the perfect place for blankets and towels - as both my son and I’s bathroom have limited storage. I’ve gotten the lighting just right in each room and I feel more comfortable than ever before. I think when I first moved there - I stayed minimal out of fear of settling here too long. I’ve accepted that this space is more than just a pit stop for us.

Another thing that has become quite enjoyable is parenting. I’ve always loved my son - but never saw motherhood as “fun” on a regular basis. I look forward to picking him up from school and checking his folder to see what type of day he had. Now, he is old enough to joke with me and have preferences about what we eat for dinner. I am falling in love with my son and the rewards of our relationship. He is there to cover my feet when the cover doesn’t reach. He now says “bless you” when I sneeze. He shares his oranges with me - and lets me know how he feels about my outfits. Teaching him to write and sharpening his tools has become a challenge that is rewarding. He is hands down the best part of every thing in his awareness and maturation.

Mentally and emotionally, I have learned how much energy my career deserves. I know how to decide what needs my attention and what does not. I’ve learned how to not sweat the small things. I have good time management. Things I’ve been working on is being more spontaneous and taking more risks. I’ve become a lot more accepting of things I can’t control. I’ve been able to start creating again in new ways. I know how to still perform - even in fear of the result or failure.

I feel that my ability to love others is widespread in this season. I’ve been loving honestly, and in ways that feel real and natural. I think this is because I’ve been firm in the ways that I wish to be loved and appreciated. I want a life of genuine bonds and friendships. I feel so grateful for the beautiful connections that I have in my life at the moment. I feel supported, I feel adored, I feel uplifted. There is a newness and a rebirth after a long time of healing and emotion surfing this year. As 2022 comes to an end I think this is one of the best years I’ve had in a long time - one with the most growth.

Recently, I took a quick trip to New Orleans which was beautiful in every way. Travel is so essential to my spirituality and creativity. The first day there was rainy and I was mostly outside under an umbrella. I felt cleansed and refreshed opposed to gloomy and introspective. The second day was so warm like a summer Texas day. I took a nap, and explored. I was tired from play in New Orleans. It is interesting being exhausted from delight as opposed to responsibility. I also put this vintage dress on to capture the overall essence of the trip. I love the way vintage clothing fits my body. Measurements of the past are so much more realistic and intentional than clothes of these days. In this dress I felt womanly, and feminine.

I appreciate this space where I can come and ramble - whether anyone sees it or not. It is a treat to write just because.

Love always,

C.

CHANGES

Life is moving at lightening speed and slipping right through my fingers. It feels like July was just yesterday. I think time has been passing so quickly because of my schedule. There’s been a lot of high priority tasks to handle that consume me week after week. Lately, I’ve intentionally taken time to slow down and say no. No to projects, no to phone calls, no to events, just no. What’s even more perplexing than a hectic schedule is how much I’ve changed in the midst of showing up for all of my obligations. It feels important to shift my approach now and address things as the self I have become and not the self I once was. I think it is interesting how we just change over time - but don’t always have the cognizance to call it out or even notice. As I’ve prioritized groundedness, I see how it reflects my daily life.

I feel fearful when I notice myself slipping back into the headspace of the past me. While I am proud of my change, it is work to be consistent. This has been the most drastic change I’ve seen in myself in a long time.

The new me listens deeply to my intuition. I listen to everything she says and I apply her guidance to my movement. The new me has a beautiful relationship with money and finances. The new me spends and invests with confidence that all of my money will circulate it’s way back to me and/or multiply. I have ascended from a scarcity mindset and understand the natural fluctuation of cash flow. I am more generous to myself than I’ve ever been - in every way. The new me is very firm and sure, whereas before I was an indecisive person.

Another thing that has shifted in me is listening closer to my body. Doing a lot of research on the body and its functions. I’ve taken detailed notes on each component of my ‘moon time’ and the way that I’m affected with each phase. I’ve gone really deep into the mind, body and spirit of self. In this type of inner work and the amount of awareness it brings - I’ve unfortunately become more sensitive to everything. I have bouts where I want to be alone and wish to not be perceived at all. I find it obtuse how growth is so sacred, but has to be done simultaneously with everyday responsibilities to ensure survival. Regardless of where you are mentally, you still have to go out and commit to your day. So we are all naked mirrors moving through the course of life.

What catapults me into these major changes is looking at life on a grand scale. Once I start to process how short life is, and how we really only have one - I realize how important it is to be free. Free to feel, free to love and free to experience life in its fullness. As a parent, I also contemplate how I want life to FEEL - like really feel each day. How much love and accountability and organization is necessary for my child to have a good life. What isn’t enough? What is too much?

A new thing that’s in the forefront of my mind is - love. Acting out of love, and responding out of love. I want to be someone who is seen as loving and kind. Even in situations that are ugly or unideal, I still want to be graceful and cemented in my energy. So when I have a trying day with my son, I want to respond to him in a loving, but constructive way. When I am frustrated driving home in traffic, I try to honk less and not become emotionally consumed by not having control of the way other cars are driving. When I’m teaching my students and they have unruly moments, I try to respond in a way that displays devotion instead of frustration. All people deserve love and to be love - you can’t pick and choose when to embody it. I think this type of mentality will enhance my life and mitigate things like stress and resentment.

These are the thoughts on my mind lately. Even with all this said, I know that at the same time - none of it matters and that everything is everything. There’s space for it all.

Above in the picture are these handmade reflection questions I made for my friend Ashley. Her and her husband just got married and I sent about 40 cards to them as a gift. I love making things like this and creating opportunities for people to contemplate. Love is so beautiful and just like our shifts in life - we have to make time and space for this sacred deliberation.